Bargaining. The third, and most pathetic, stage of grief.
If you've ever had the misfortune of having to be associated with me at the tourist stands in the Carribbean, you will know that I am a terrible haggler. So let's just cut to the chase, shall we? I will give probably just about anything to have a good hockey team.
I'm very serious. Take my watch. Take my first born. I don't care what it is that I have to give up, I just need the misery to end. And if it could please end in time for the Canucks game this Saturday, that would be awesome, seeing as how I was shadily roped into a bet that involves me wearing an embarrassingly labelled graphic tee in one of the nicest restaurants in Toronto if the Leafs lose.
I don't need them to win the Cup [any time soon]. I don't even need them to make the playoffs this year. I just need hope. All I'm asking for is a light at the end of this miserably long and dark tunnel - A young and exciting forward who just needs a few more years to get his sea legs under him, or a goalie that can stop pucks, or a captain that doesn't need to be booed during practice so that he can get used to the sound (true story. I don't want to talk about it), or a star player that plays like a star player, or a coach that is a nice human being. I need something, ANYthing, that lets me believe that I am not wasting my energy on this black hole of a hockey club.
More than a few people, but mostly my lovely roommate, have pointed out how depressing and horrible and completely Leafs-centric my blog has become. SO, I will scrap the "Bargaining" post that I painstakingly prepared in time for tonight's game against the Oilers (but seriously: please please please please pleaseeeee win. Please. PLEASE.), and revisit the ol' Cheat Sheet.
(1) Female hockey fans continue to find ways to make me consider a sex change.
I can deal with pink hockey jerseys. Sure, I would never be caught dead in one and I mercilessly judge anyone who wears one, but they have a charitable connotation that makes them tolerable - i.e. I can convince myself that that shrieking girl over there with the hoop earrings and the UGGS is wearing her toddler-sized, belly-baring pink jersey with "Mrs. McBabe" on the back because she actually cares about breast cancer research.
But this. THIS crosses a line:
Courtesy of Senator Fan Steve, who is always looking for creative
ways to make me off myself.
Ladies. Help a sister out here, would you?
(2) The Edmonton Oilers recently drafted Ken Wu
Ken Wu, for those who didn't watch The Mighty Ducks 74 times, was the figure skating phenom who was drafted to the Mighty Ducks in D2, and dubbed "little bash brother" by Fulton and Portman (yup, 74 times is likely a generous underestimate). Clearly, Linus Omark is also a fan:
This was Omark's first shootout attempt, and as a result, it has sparked a number of NHLers to comment on the appropriateness of a rookie attempting such a flashy move.
I fail to see what the big deal is. Everyone is reacting like he attempted a triple sow cow off of a tightrope and then bounced the puck off his nose like a seal before sliding it in the top corner of an impossibly covered net. Erroneous. He did a pre-mature spin-o-rama before slapping it into a woefully open five-hole. Who cares?! He got an otherwise uninspired Edmonton crowd to cheer for something, and I think that deserves props rather than admonishment. Moving on ....
(3) Waffles are the new tomatoes
Last week, following Phaneuf's completely unremarkable return to the lineup and yet another horrifying loss to a team I despise, one particularly aggrieved fan threw his waffles onto the ice, almost directly onto the stick of Francois Beauchemin (marking the first time all season that Francois Beauchemin's stick has been a part of anything worth mentioning). Now, the ACC doesn't serve waffles (they also don't provide sippy lids for their largest size of beer - a gross oversight, in my eyes, and the subject of my next strongly worded letter to the MLSE), which means that this fan must have cooked the waffles at home and smuggled them down his pants in in the sole hope of being provided with an opportunity to throw them at the Leafs. This is the kind of moxy that might otherwise be admirable if it made any sense whatsoever. Waffles? ..... Someone explain.
Saturday night's game against the Bruins is a perfect illustration of why I feel like I am in an abusive relationship.
As is glaringly obvious from my last post, the Leafs were becoming difficult for me to watch. I had begun to spend an inordinate amount of time moodily brooding over what went wrong, and what NFL team I could start following as some sort of sad respite from TML-induced pain. My leafs-related depression was getting so predictable and annoying that I had to start lying to people who asked me why I looked like someone just kicked my dog. The sympathetic looks that I used to get have been replaced with wagging fingers and "told you so" looks, or worse, the scoff of impatient indifference characteristic of someone who has heard me bitch about the same thing for too long when, really, I do it to myself.
As a result, I have been trying to move on. And just when my bags are packed and I'm about to move in with Mark Sanchez and the New York Jets, the Leafs give me the sports equivalent of the "I'll do better, I can CHANGE" talk - They win a game they had no business winning. On paper, the Leafs are worse than the Bruins in pretty much every single way. On top of that, the Bruins provide a painful glimpse into what the Leafs might have looked like (Rask, Knight, Seguin ....), making losses all the more difficult to stomach. So naturally, I anticipated a defeat of the soul-crushing variety. And then ... and then my special little guys show me a pulse.
How they didn't pack their bags in demoralized defeat after Tim Thomas made the following save, I will never know:
A few people have asked me why I haven't posted lately. I've tried. I have started so many drafts, but they all end in capslocked rants.* I'm at a point where I wish I had never forsaken Catholicism, as it has now become clear to me that God hates me. I have bonded with people in bars over our mutual depression. My lovely roommate can do a frighteningly accurate impression of me post-game, and I get the distinct feeling that she's scared of me.
Bill Simmons tells me, in his amazing article outling the 20 steps to being a good fan, that I shouldn't ride the highs and lows so precipitously. When I ask fellow Leafs fan why they too aren't sobbing in the shower hugging their knees to their chest, they tell me that I just need to accept that they are bad and lower my expectations so that I won't be so brutally disappointed.
Apparently, acceptance is the fifth and final stage of grief. I am going to try to work my way through the five stages, so that I can eventually be at a place where, at the very least, people aren't scared to bring up the topic with me.
As pretty much everyone who has ever known me can attest, I have been in a state of Denial for the last 26 years of my life. I think I've got that stage covered.
Which brings me to Anger, aka, the "why me?" stage. And seriously, WHY ME?! I've been a good fan! I stuck by them through my 3 years of living in British Columbia, and more importantly, their DECADES of sucking. Every single family holiday, I fight with one of my family members (you know who you are ... and you better believe I've got ALL my Bruins jokes in my back pocket for December 24th) over them. I endure countless reiterations of the same jokes (sorry, how long has it been since we've won a Cup? And yah, maybe I WILL plan the Parade after we win two games in row. And wow, thank you for reminding me that we have no draft picks this year - I totally don't spend every day hating Brian Burke over that, and your original material is super inspiring). I understand the need to rebuild, and I know that draft picks aren't the only way to do so, and I am willing to be patient, and and and - I just don't see any progress. AND I'M ANGRY ABOUT IT. Stop cracking your sticks in frustration over the crossbar, and score some effing goals. Stop shit-talking your teammates during post-game interviews, and STOP with the ridiculous cross-ice passes TO NO ONE. Battle in the corners, get in front of the net, cover your man, PLAY BETTER HOCKEY. I hate you.
Another little rundown of all of the major happenings in the NHL.
Add a Buffalo Sabres mask
and puffy eyes from nights of
crying, and you've got Ryan Miller
(1) Magnus Arvedson must have broken a mirror
Despite the legions of fantasy owners that are currently lamenting ever drafting Milo Ventimiglia earlier than the 21st round, the Vancouver Canucks could not beat Ryan Miller and the Sabres last night - or any time before that for the last seven years. Despite an impressive comeback, and a raucous overtime period (supplemented by the ever- elucidating commentary of Pierre McGuire, who at one point, actually said "This is fun!"), a miscue in the Canucks zone turned into a horrendous turnover that ended up costing them the game. While it wasn't Aaron Rome's fault necessarily, he was on the ice when the winning goal was scored, and it therefore leads me once again to ask: Why is Alain Vigneault benching $4 million worth of Keith Ballard, and icing $700,000 worth of Aaron Rome, when they BOTH are equally as sub-par? Any Canucks fans care to help me out here?
(2) At least the Canucks have their very own Jiri Tlusty
In 2007, former Leaf Jiri Tlusty was exposed (ba doom ching) by the ever illustrious Toronto Sun, claiming that Tlusty had taken nude pictures of himself on his camera phone. Sadly, it was true. Happily, he has set an example for tastier morsels like Ryan Kesler - and although my friend sent me this picture with the caption "Kesler draws ridicule from the fans, media, me", I personally support his entrepreneurial foray into underwear.
His teammates, of course, have been considerably less forgiving, with Tanner Glass suggesting to the media that it was airbrushed, and Kevin Bieksa promising to bring the ad to the attention of the locker room. I think these boys should leave Kesler and his 8 pack alone, and just thank god every day that Zdeno Chara isn't on their team.
(3) The Leafs can't lose forever. Right?
What bothers me is that it's not even statistically impossible.
The Leafs are currently 1-8-3 in their last 12 games. Saturday's loss to the Canucks marked their 8th straight loss. Kessel is grossly underproducing, which of course draws comparisons (unfair as they may be) to Tyler Seguin, and Mike Brown's moustache still hasn't fought anyone. The depression is magnified by the successes of the Senators, Viktor Stalberg (who was shipped to Chicago as part of the trade for Kris Versteeg, and is currently playing on the top line with Toews, has 10 pts, and is, most importantly and sadly, proving me right), and pretty much every other team in the NHL. BUT, I am not a hater, and so I am resolved to find at least three good things about the current team:
1. In a really endearing show of camaraderie, the Leafs have decided to show Nazem Kadri that no one on the team deserves to be playing outside of the AHL.
2. Giguere has a lot of respect for former Leaf goalies, as evidenced by his near-perfect imitation of Vesa Toskala against Mason Raymond's trickling 40 footer on Saturday.
3. Colby Armstrong is due back any day now, which is great news seeing as how a player who is currently on pace for 9 goals this season should do wonders for our offensive drought.
I'm sorry. I can't do it. I love them, and I will never leave them, but I'm bitter and depressed. I know I know - It's always darkest before dawn, you have to know the bad before you can have the good, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
(4) This just in: Sean Avery is still a giant D-bag.
Anyone who has ever read my blog or watched a hockey game with me knows that I love me my hockey fights. And bench brawls are to hockey fights what a 24 ounce porterhouse is to ground chuck - Bigger, bloodier, and one hundred times more delectable. Sunday was no exception, when the Edmonton Oilers and New York Rangers had a bona fide throwdown. Seeing as how these two teams are the furthest things from perennial rivals, one may ask how something like this could have happened. The answer: Sean Avery and his douchebaggery.
Word on the street is that Smid started goading Avery into a fight, and Avery turned him down, saying that he would drop the gloves off the next faceoff. When Smid started turning away, Avery sucker-punched him. It then turned into Stortini filling in Prust, MacIntyre fighting Boogaard, and Brandon Dubinsky grabbing Fraser from the bench (for which he has since been suspended). It was awesome.
I apologize for the lateness of this week's installment of Hockey for Bernies, but despondency really stifles my creativity.
In an attempt to give my misery some company, I rallied some of my friends together for Hockey Night in Canada this past Saturday. 7:00-10:00 pm was par for the course - The ACC somehow managed to find yet another occasion/holiday/obscure 4th liner from the 1950's to celebrate in a protracted pre-game ceremony, the Leafs made me suicidal, Ron Wilson had me screaming at the television for hours, and Steve's cries of joys over the Senators' continued winning streak made my ears bleed.
Then HNIC shifted to the west coast, where the Vancouver Canucks were being visited by the Detroit Red Wings, and they played ... HOCKEY. Actual hockey - with clean goals, and crisp passes, and hard hits, and players who can skate. A few of my friends commented on how much more enjoyable the Canucks game was to watch, so I thought that this week's Hockey for Bernies could compare and contrast the Eastern and Western Conferences.
Western Conference: 9 of the last 15 Stanley Cup Champions have been from the Western (Campbell) Conference. 12 of the last 15 President's Trophy winners have also been of Western affiliation. Eastern Conference: If playoff spots were given to the best 16 teams in the league, rather than per Conference, only 6 teams from the East would have qualified last year. Also, for those Leafs fans out there, the "Stanley Cup" is a big silver goblet given to the team that wins four playoff rounds. What are these "playoffs" that I'm referring to? Oh, never mind.
Western Conference: In order to score goals, players employ the crazy strategy of making crisp, smart passes in the other team's zone, and shooting the puck at the net. Eastern Conference: In order to score goals, players body slam goalies and count on the fact that because they're playing Florida, no one is paying attention.
Western Conference: After particularly difficult or intense playoff games, Western Conference fans unwind by having a few beers and/or kayaking. Eastern Conference: After particularly difficult or intense playoff games, Eastern Conference fans unwind by beating up visiting Buffalo Sabres fans, setting cars on fire, and/or taking a break from watching the annual April Leafs golf tournament long enough to wonder what all of the hoopla is about.
Western Conference: Fans revere players like Henrik Sedin, Drew Doughty, Jonathan Toews, and Pavel Dastyuk. Eastern Conference: Fans revere players like Milan Lucic, Matt Carkner, Tie Domi, and Chris Pronger.
Western Conference: The hockey community hailed Brian Burke as a genius for pulling off a last minute trade that saw both Sedins land in Vancouver, and for taking the Anaheim Mighty Ducks from Emilio Estevez to Lord Stanley. Eastern Conference: For a fraction of a nano-second in 2009, the hockey community hailed Brian Burke as a genius for trading worthless draft picks for scoring phenom Phil Kessel, and for turning around the struggling Maple Leafs.
Western Conference: Before a playoff game in cities such as Chicago or Vancouver, the crowd would cheer so loudly that you couldn't even hear the anthems being played.
Eastern Conference: Before a playoff game in Ottawa, the crowd would be so silent that you could hear every. single. rally cry of Eugene Melnyck dressed as a Spartan.
Western Conference: Otherwise ineffective players are at least still recognized in the media for their work in the community. Eastern Conference: Otherwise ineffective players are at least still recognized in the media for marrying Carrie Underwood.
I have never, not once in my too-many-to-count-and-be-depressed-about years as a leafs fan, joined ranks with the pitchforking mob out for a coach's head as soon as the team starts losing. I think it's easy scapegoating, an uneducated fan's way of calling for change, and that 90% of the times when a head coach is given the ax, it's about sending a message to both the players and the fans that losing isn't tolerated, more than it's about cutting out the cancer. For Ron Wilson, however, I make an exception.
He is a poor decision maker, who lets his pride get in the way of deviating from his (as yet unproven) coaching style. Brian Burke built this team around the blue line, and so one would expect that our head coach would implement a system of play that emphasizes our defensive strengths. Wilson, however, appears to be pushing an offensively-minded system that employs wide open forechecking and constant puck cycling - strategies of play that are completely unsuited to our young, and largely talentless, forwards.
He also makes incredibly questionable calls during games, with last night's shootout loss to Buffalo proving the most recent example. Up by only a goal, with 30 seconds left in the third, and facing a Buffalo squad that was picking up momentum, had a sixth man on the ice and was desperate to quell their own media storm back home, Ron Wilson decides to man the gates with the FOURTH line. It was a thoughtless, unjustifiably arrogant underestimation of the Sabres - a complete miscalculation. And it ended up costing us the game.
It also blows my mind that Brian Burke is publicly lambasting the Leafs fanbase as "disgraceful" for booing Phaneuf so early in the season, when Ron Wilson spews verbal diarrhea at the media at every opportunity. It's like the slightly too aggressive Timbits player with the overly involved mother screaming obscenities from the sidelines - How can we blame the impressionable child with an example like that? Last night's press conference featured Ron Wilson making AIR QUOTES when talking about his first line. I suppose this was his completely mature way of criticizing the first line's floundering production, but it's also rich coming from the man who kept Luca Caputi on that same first line for the majority of their lackluster game against the Senators.
The Leafs have only two more points than they did this time last year. Our special teams are once again biting the big one, and our goal production, particularly from the center position, is atrocious. What has kept me watching the games this year has been the heart with which these boys have been playing with. They are fast, and they are gritty, and they are try-hards who will fight in the corners, throw themselves in front of pucks, and scramble for those lucky bounces. This is vastly different from last year, and I believe has proven to be the difference-maker in games that we might have otherwise lost. The heart and the motivation to have their fledgling talent cultivated is there - What we need is a "head coach" who isn't working against them, who doesn't throw them under the bus at every opportunity.
Remember 1998? No one thought the Leafs would make the playoffs at the start of that season. They were a seemingly talentless team of unknowns, backed by a goaltender (you may remember him... Curtis Joseph?) who was criticized as being past his prime, captained by Mats Sundin, a man that no one quite trusted after the Gilmour/Clark eras, coming out of back-to-back seasons of missing the playoffs. Sound familiar? The Leafs went on to make Conference Finals that year, under new head coach Pat Quinn.
What we need is Pat Quinn after Mike Murphy. Ron Wilson needs to go.
In an uncharacteristic display of testicular fortitude, Sidney Crosby dropped the gloves against Matt Niskanen in the Pens' 5-2 loss to the Dallas Stars on Tuesday. It's unclear from the video whether Niskanen was maniacally flailing, or if Sid actually managed to ragdoll something other than his ragdoll, but either way, the Kid takes the cake:
Whether or not stars should be fighting is a topic that can be debated this weekend on Coach's Corner (and by "be debated", I of course mean "be beat to death by Don Cherry while Ron MacLean interjects snippits of lucidity that go completely unheeded by a man wearing a rainbow suit"), but seeing this highlight reminded me of one my favourite brawls of all time, fought by one of my favourite star players of all time: Steve Yzerman. And the video is just so delicious, that I thought I would share. Stevie drops the gloves about a minute in, but my second favourite part is around the 2:04 mark, when Probert skates over to deliver one more sucker punch to the stomach of a player who is already laying on the ice, receiving help from one of the refs. Enjoy:
The Fu Manchu, the Pencil, the Handlebar, the Imperial, the Lampshade, the Toothbrush, the Walrus, the Freestyle, the Chevron.
No matter what upper lip accoutrement you're stylin' this month, prostate cancer awareness is the new black. Movember (or the month formerly known as November) marks 30 days of wax-using, cereal-catching, small comb-using hair growth to raise money for prostate cancer research. And if the size and griminess of your moustache determined how much money was raised, NHL players would be the leading donors. In no particular order:
10. Zack Sortini
Currently playing for the Edmonton Oilers. I personally appreciate the 90 degree angles on this puppy.
9. George Parros
It's untamed depths frighten me.
8. Dennis Maruk
An oldie but a goodie, there seems to be no differentiation between hair line, moustache, and chest hair.
7. Harold Snepsts
A beloved former Canuck from the 1980's, Mr. Snepsts preferred to let his nose hair run rampantly down his cleft.
6. Wendel Clark
Much like Walker Texas Ranger, Wendel Clark kept another fist in his moustache.
5. Dave Babych
Lesser known Canucks fact: Tom Selleck used to moonlight as a talented NHL player.
4. Bill McCreary
Bill McCreary was never an NHL player, but I yelled "Moustache McCreary" so many times during last night's game against the Senators, that I felt that it was criminal not to include him.
3. Eddie Shack
One of the best in the biz, I'm always surprised when people remember Eddie Shack for his 12 gallons rather than his 12 inch wax tips.
2. Mike Brown
Admittedly a bit of a homer choice, no one can deny the formidable soup strainer on one Mike Brown. I can see it from the upper bowl of the ACC.
1. Lanny MacDonald
Lesser known for his cameo in Walt Disney's Alice in Wonderland:
At the risk of sounding like an egocentric Torontian, Rick Rypien pulled a Domi in Tuesday night's game against the Minnesota Wild:
As a result of the above incident, Rypien has been suspended indefinitely pending a hearing at NHL HQ this Friday. How serious his punishment will and should be remains to be seen, and as always, hockey commentators/analysts/enthusiasts are coming down hard on both sides of the fence.
One camp maintains that any fan who goads a player right after doing battle (and can I just briefly, and tangentially, say that I will always support a player who fights someone on the Wild? Their hockey sweaters make them look like Christmas ornaments.) is getting what's coming to him, and that if you insist on poking a bear in his cage, you shouldn't be surprised when you get the paw. The other camp argues that it is never ok to engage a fan in any sort of altercation, and that Rypien should be out for the year. Word on the street is that the Minnesota fan also plans on commencing a legal action against at least Rypien, possibly the Canucks, and maybe even the Xcel Energy Center for failing to erect a tent over the tunnel to the visiting team locker's room. All this, and Domi didn't even miss the third period.
My first reaction to all of this was ... boredom. My second reaction was confusion - Why would I find this boring? I have an insatiable blood lust when it comes to hockey, as witnessed by all of those in a 100 meter radius of me at the Leafs Sabres preseason game when Colton Orr started looking a little edgy, and I jumped to my feet and repeatedly screamed "DO IT!" and "GET HIM!". I then realized that the reason why this has not been as titillating (love that word) to me as it normally would be is because since the season started, the NHL hasn't gone more than 2 games without issuing some sort of fine or suspension.
Shane Doan was just suspended 3 games for a blindside hit on Wings' forward Dan Sexton. Patrick Kaleta was levied with a hefty fine after an attempted headbutt on Zajac. Senators' forward Nick Foligno was fined $2500 for a hit to the head of Patrick Dwyer (and the same was fined to Edmonton's Gilbert for a similar headshot on Matty Stajan). Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski were both suspended 2 games for a blindside hit on Pominville, and an obscene (read: hilarious) gesture, respectively (both of which were discussed here). Mike Riberio was arrested for being drunk in public and Letourneau was suspended one game for instigating a fight late in the game against Johansson.
Hockey season started TWO weeks ago. Colour me excited.
My lovely roomate and I had a small get together at our house this past weekend. She invited some of her work colleagues, all of whom I had never met before. I was getting along with one of them fabulously, and we were covering all of my favourite topics (in no particular order: dogs, music, cooking, barbecue sauce and hockey). And then he mentioned his love for Daniel Alfredsson. I responded by staring at him agape for 6-9 seconds before not so kindly asking him to leave.
One of my bestfriends is a Sens fan. He's one of my favourite people on the planet, but when it comes to our respective hockey clubs, we are mortal enemies. Last Friday, I took it upon myself to forward him a link to the Eastern Conference standings (at the time, the Leafs were #1 and the Sens were 14th). What ensued was an epic, heated and unnecessarily lengthy battle over email, where I called him a bad friend and an unimaginable drama queen, and he called me incredibly obnoxious and asinine.
I feel like I should explain myself before I am alone forever.
The Battle of Ontario. Despite it's relatively recent inception, it's one of the more heated rivalries in the NHL, and in it's day, it was intense. Like, if someone told me that their marriage ended over Game 5 in 2002, or the sweep in 2001, I wouldn't even feign surprise. In the undergraduate days of using salad dressing as pasta sauce and choking down cans of Old Milwaukee Ice, two friends of mine bought playoff tickets for $400 a pop to see Game 7 in 2004. In a game of "fuck kill marry", I was given the trifecta of Pol Pot, Daniel Alfredsson, and a pile of shit to choose from, and I still killed Alfredsson. It is serious, serious business.
And with that, I give you the Top Ten moments behind the infamous, relationship- ruining, Leafs/Senators rivalry:
#10: McCabe = Ragdoll
While I can now safely disavow myself of the lecherous embarrassment that was Brian McCabe, Zdeno Chara has made it impossible for me to ever completely forget him. I don't want to talk about it, but if you want see the saddest fight in the history of the NHL, please direct your attention below and then never speak of it again.
#9: Bench Brawls
If a Sens fan saw Darcy Tucker on the street, she would probably spit on him. Personally, I LOVE the man, but if he wasn't on my team, I would have hated him too. He was a consummate pest, a bit of a whiner, and a chronic glove dropper. In 2003, in a regular season game, Tucker let three years of consecutive playoff series get the better of him when he literally attacked Chris Neil, who at the time, was sitting on the Senator's bench. Tucker claimed that Neil spit on him, but this was never proven, and I'm fairly certain that it isn't true. Either way, it turned into an epic bench brawl that even saw Leafs' coach Pat Quinn spit his gum out and join the fray.
#8: Playing the Senators - Possible side effects may include blindness
Remember when visors were all of a sudden de rigueur? Thank (blame?) Marian Hossa and his almost career-ending eye gouge of Bryan Berard, causing mothers to pull their children out of little leagues everywhere. (My apologies for the video - To see the actual incident, fast forward to 1:50).
#7: The Leafs in OT
2000 - Game 5 - Overtime - After scoring in the third to send the game into overtime, Stumpy aka Steve Thomas, pots the winner with this beauty.
2001 - Game 1 - Overtime - Mats Sundin, from the point, making no mistake . My favourite part of the video is the ping sound that defeat makes.
2001 - Game 3 - Overtime - CORY CROSS can play hockey when it matters. Once.
2002 - Game 3 - Triple Overtime - Gary Roberts. I miss him every day.
#6: The Title Fights
Tie Domi and Chris Neil (see here), Wade Belak and Chris Neil, Colton Orr and Matt Carkner (as seen here), and while neither of these boys are heavy weights, and this fight was pre-season, it's one of my favourites of the year so far simply because of the way Kovalev turtles and Beauchemin keeps attempting these really awkward undercuts:
#5: The Curse
From 1992-1998, the Leafers were in the Clarence Campbell/Western Conference, and the Senators were in the Prince of Wales/Eastern Conference. During this time, the Sens were never able to beat the Sabres in a playoff series, leading some to declare a Bo-sox esque curse on the Corel Centre. When Toronto joined the East before the 98-99 season, hope sprung eternal for Sens fan everywhere who thought that the change of dynamic would manifest itself in playoff victories. Not so. The Sens and Leafs met in the playoffs for the first time in 2000, and met again every year (save 2003) after that until the lockout. Not once have the Senators beaten the Leafs, despite annihilating them during most of the regular season match-ups. Not even in 2001, when the Senators finished 2nd in the Conference and the Leafs finished 7th (which now, might I add, seems like a total coup). Despite being the considerable underdogs, the Leafs swept the Sens in 4 games.
#4: The Infamous Stick-Throwing Incident
In a 2004 regular season game against the Nashville Predators, Sundin broke his stick on an attempted shot from the point. In thoughtless frustration, Sundin threw the remains of his stick into the crowd, earning him a 1 game suspension. The game that he ended up missing was against the Senators, where, in yet another display of freakish Swedish synchronicity, Alfredsson broke HIS stick on an attempted shot from the point, and mocked throwing it into the stands. Since that time, Alfredsson is booed every single time he touches the puck in the ACC.
Look, even I can admit that this is the stupidest reason ever to so vehemently despise a man, but d'ems da breaks when you're playing a team backed by a fanbase of consummate grudge-holders. I have to admit though, what offended me more than the taunting of one of my favourite captains was the dirty dangles hanging out of Alfie's helmet as he did so.
#3: The Hit from Behind
2002, second round - Late in Game 5, tied game, Alfredsson hits Darcy Tucker from behind, sending him flying into the boards. Tucker is injured, Alfredsson receives no penalty, and seconds later, Alfie goes on to score the game winner. Adding insult to injury was the fact that while Tucker's hit on Islanders' forward Mike Peca went similarly unpenalized in the first round, he ended up receiving much more condemnation from the NHL, media, and public. All Alfredsson has to deal with is a lifetime of the boo birds. And his hair.
#2: Game 6, 2005
After losing to the Leafs in Game 5 (and putting the Leafs up 3-2 in the series), Alfredsson very publicly (and very infamously) guaranteed that the Senators would go on to win the series. Mike Fisher scored the winner, and Daniel Alfredsson looked not only like an inspiring Captain, but he also looked like he might be right. It was a dark day.
#1: Game 7, 2005
Lalime crumbled. Gary Roberts was a beast. Tie Domi had an assist!
The Leafs ended up beating the Senators 4-1, taking the series, and setting me up for at least a decade of Alfredsson jokes. Which are definitely still funny, Steve.
At the request of my lovely roomate, who advised me that she was already well versed on the nuances of the icing rule and therefore had no use for my beautiful stickfigure drawings, I have decided to make this week's Hockey for Bernies into an NHL Cheat Sheet. What I am endeavouring to provide here is a glorified list of talking points so that when people start babbling about hockey around the water cooler, you can at least smile and nod because you recognize the words coming out of their mouths - or maybe even join in!
1. Jordan Eberle's RIDICULOUS goal.
This is definitely talking point #1, as I myself have already discussed this goal with 4 different people. Jordan Eberle is a rookie forward on the Edmonton Oilers, aka, the only team that finished worse than the Leafs last year. Last Thursday night, on the holiest of all days (start of the NHL season), Edmonton played the Calgary Flames, their provincial rivals. The start of the third period saw the Oilers killing a penalty, and the Flames gaining some momentum, when this happened:
The heads-up pass off the boards. The fake-out. The toe-drag. The fact that this was Eberle's first career goal. This highlight reel is like porn for hockey lovers.
It was also followed by this hilarious bit on TSN (courtesy of Mr. JKru), that made me think that in lieu of actually learning how to play hockey, the Oilers have been honing their comedic acting skills.
2. The Maple Leafs are undefeated, and the Senators are still so awful and hideous looking.
After taking NINE painful, dark, depressing games to finally tally one in the W column last season (and then waiting another five games to tally a second), the Leafs have opened the season with back-to-back victories for the first time since 1999 (which, just to give you some cultural context, was the same year that 10 Things I Hate About You came out. That's right, the last time the Leafs started the season 2-0-0 was when Julia Stiles still had relevance).
The Leafs look good. Not Cup-winning good, but at least better than the Senators (although, that's really not saying much). The first line (Versteeg, Kessel, and Bozak) is firing on all cylinders, our fourth line (Orr, Zigomanis, and Moustache Mike) is tough as nails, passes are crisp, Jiggy is solid in net, and our youth is shining through in our constant and sustained speed of play. Leafs Nation is a happy place right now.
The Senators, however, are struggling big time. After an impressive performance at the end of last season, a lot was expected from defenseman Erik Karlsson, who so far has done nothing but make horrendous on-ice decisions that have made him nothing but a defensive liability. Oh and this just in: Spezza is still way over-paid, and Alfredsson is still hideous.
3. Henrik Sedin is the new captain of the Vancouver Canucks
And he is SO Swedish.
4. Jason Pominville and Niklas Hjalmarsson (Say that three times fast. Ok, say it even once).
In last night's game against the Blackhawks, Sabres forward Jason Pominville was skating towards the puck near the right boards in Buffalo's zone when Hjalmarsson checked him from behind, sending Pominville's head flying into the glass. Pominville laid out on the ice for approximately 15 minutes while medical staff stabilized his head and neck, and was eventually carried off by stretcher. It isn't clear how serious the injuries are as of yet, or even if Hjalmarsson's hit was suspension-worthy. However, you can bet that this incident will be a part of Don Cherry's senile rant on next weekend's Coach's Corner, and once again generate extensive discussion on hits from behind, head-hunting, and the general danger inherent in playing hockey.
5. Wisniewski gave Sean Avery the finger
The only person who will talk about this is Sean Avery, because Sean Avery loves talking about Sean Avery. He has, in fact, already approached the media to whine like a bitch about the lack of media attention and/or public condemnation that Wisniewski's allegedly egregious (my word - CERTAINLY not Sean Avery's) misconduct is receiving. Avery said that if he had been the one to give the finger to another player, Gary Bettman would have shipped him off to rehab. Ah yes, the Betty Ford Clinic for chronic bird flippers. Thank you Sean Avery.
Editors Note: it has been brought to my attention that a certain sports news site incorrectly identified Wisniewski's offensive gesture. For those who would like to be edified, please direct your attention here (mom, this does NOT mean you). Also, please note that I will be purchasing a James Wisniewski jersey tomorrow.
The word “consecutive”. As in, the Leafs have beat the Senators 6 consecutive times. Also as in, the Leafs have won consecutive games to start the season for the first time in 11 years.
If this had been last year, Toskala’s gaping five-hole would have sent us into overtime against the Habs.
#37, Tim Brent. Some people would say that it is ridiculous that a third-line plug could make this list, and that I’m just painfully searching for anything to make me happy – and, well, it is and I am, but I don’t care. I like this Canadian-born journeyman, I love that he scored the first regular season goal for the Leafs and worked hard for a goal against the Sens, I see a lot of promise in his simple, but tough game, and he’s better than Kadri. Sold.
Celebrating Movember early
Mike Brown’s moustache. -->
Kessel and “Bozie”. Don’t hate me, I’m just going to say it: ADORABLE. And yes, also worthy of being a legitimate first line along with Kris Versteeg.
2-0-0. Infinitely better than 0-7-1.
. Despite being up 5-1 against the Sens in the 3rd, Colton Orr still fought Matt Carkner for no apparent reason other than Carkner being right in front of him. Orr also got the second loudest cheer from the crowd at the ACC when the players were being introduced. Could this BE?! Could we have ourselves a new Wade Belak?! Because I would LOVE that.
Being able to say that the Leafs had a hand in Carey Price’s inevitable nervous breakdown.
Hearing sentences such as: “The Leafs’ consistent speed has forced a number of Senator turnovers”, and “Eric Karlsson just got absolutely run over by Grabovski.”
And, I must admit, hearing the opening licks to “where the streets have no name”, as the GM Place celebrated 40 years, backed by a crowd of fans who actually know how to cheer for their team. Also the adorably humble look on Hank’s face as he switched to a sweater bearing the ‘C’ (although this whole captaincy business is sure to make for an uncomfortable thanksgiving dinner at the Sedin house).
Things that made me not so happy:
The font the Sens use for the numbers on the back of their jerseys.
The fact that the Toronto Sun was lambasting the Leafs during the pre-season as the worst hockey club on the face of the planet, but after the game against the Habs, had “PERFECT!” emblazoned across their cover. All of the other things that I want to say on this point will cause me to be on the receiving end of a defamation law suit.
The overblown commentary (in Toronto?! Never!) regarding Kaberle’s ‘A’-less sweater.Speculation has run rampant, particularly in light of the comments made by Kaberle’s father regarding the allegedly sour relationship between his son and head coach Ron Wilson. The two dominant theories behind Kaberle’s demotion are (1) that Ron Wilson took away the ‘A’ out of spite, and (2) that Kaberle will definitely be traded before January is out, and that it was therefore pointless to make him an alternate. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve never heard of someone being stripped of their status in anticipation of a trade. And while I’ve heard that Ron Wilson isn’t necessarily the most beloved coach in the world, I feel fairly confident that he’s not this vindictive drama queen who has turned to using his already beleaguered hockey club as a venue for his personal vendettas.Could it not just be possible that our beloved, fresh-in-from-a-toboggan-run defenseman is simply not of leadership caliber? As much as I love the man (and I do), the Leafs need to be handing those letters to the men who can inspire the dressing room in the middle of a January slump, and not to those who have simply put in their time with the team. Given that I’ve never been in the Leafs’ locker room (TRY AS I MIGHT), and given that I have unyielding, foolish faith in the Leafs administration, I’m just going to have to trust that Phanuef, Komisarek, and Beauchemin deserve the extra adornment on their sweaters.
Hockey for Bernies was pre-empted this week in favour of the following diatribe:
The MLSE. Let’s discuss.
For those who don’t know, Maple Leafs Sport and Entertainment is the behemoth entity behind the Toronto Maple Leafs (as well as the Toronto Raptors and Toronto FC). The CEO of MLSE is Richard Peddie, and he is considered by many to be the root of all evil, and the main reason why the Leafs (and the Raps and TFC) are so spectacularly awful.
Lucifer Peddie
The gist of the argument is that Peddie is focused solely on lining his own pockets, and that this impedes him from putting together a team of players that would, oh I don't know, do something with their lives. Essentially, the Leafs/Raps/TFC are awful because the MLSE refuses to spend the money to turn them into legitimate contenders.
Those drinking Costco-sized bottles of Haterade go one step further and blame the FANS for the Leafs' abysmal existence. The idea there is that because the fans keep paying the exorbitant ticket prices to pack their bums into the seats of a consistently sold out arena, the MLSE has no impetus whatsoever to create a better product. Apparently, the maxim "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" applies only to the corporate structure and fiscal health of the MLSE, and not to the team itself.
These arguments, to me, are outdated and archaically based on a revenue structure that simply does not exist in today's sporting world. I think it's indisputable that the MLSE is completely profit focused - and really, who can blame them? They ARE a business after all. But ticket sales is no longer the only form of revenue for the hockey business, and is actually becoming an increasingly marginalized revenue stream in the face of money makers such as merchandise sales, game-day advertising, and independent ventures like LeafsTV - all of which would bring in even more money if the Leafs made the playoffs, never mind won a Cup. The suggestion that Peddie isn’t interested in the success of the Leafs because his pockets are already lined is not only an insult to his business acumen, but it is also based on a misunderstanding of the present day economics of the NHL, and an overzealous eagerness to blame a loyal fanbase.
I of course don't mean to suggest that no blame can be placed on the MLSE or the fans at all. A recent Globe and Mail article (and actually the driving force behind this post) very rightly pointed out the MLSE's reticence to spend money in the name of (theoretically) improving the Leafs. The MLSE did indeed fail to flex their muscles pre-lockout (and pre-salary cap system). And while no one can definitively prove that throwing money at the problem would have made a lick of difference, you cannot deny the success of the Detroit Red Wings.
And fans, particularly in Cup-starved masses, can be stupid blind. The Leafs have to get bad in order to get good (please see this past year's Stanley Cup winners, the Chicago Blackhawks) - but the fan pressure on the MLSE and Leafs management to make a run at eighth every single season no matter how slim our chances are forces March signings of Yanic Perreault, and ill-advised trades for loaner players at the expense of legitimate prospects. In this, the fans can certainly be blamed.
But to say that the continuous attendance of Leafs' fans at games is the reason why the Leafs suck is just stupid. And not just because of the argument made above, but also because this argument seems to be rooted in an idea of fan-dom that I do not support and should not be condoned in any shape or form. Anyone who truly supports a team understands that to turn your back on a team simply because they aren’t winning is to be the most vilified entity in the sports world – a bandwagon jumper.
The following is a simple, illustrated explanation of the icing rule:
These are hockey players playing hockey. The green stickman represents one team, and the purple stickman represents the other. The green stickman has the puck in his own end.
If the purple team is coming on strong, the green stickman might just try to get the puck out of his end. As a result of where he is, the puck will cross the center line.
IF the puck also crosses the purple team's goal line,
AND a purple guy touches the puck before a green guy,
then "icing" has occurred, and the play will be whistled dead. A faceoff will then come back into the green team's end.
Note:
- Icing would not be enforced if the green team was shorthanded (i.e. had a player in the penalty box)
- If the purple goalie made a move to play the puck, icing would be waved off
- Icing would also be waved off if the puck touched any purple player before crossing both lines
- Icing might be waved off if, in the discretion of the official, a purple player could have played the puck before it crossed the goal line but chose not to (this is most likely to happen when the purple team is making a line change, and the purple players avoid touching the puck so as to not get called for "too many men" on the ice)
A few important things to know about icing:
Since the 2004-2005 lockout, a team can no longer make a line change after icing the puck.
While it can be exciting to watch two players try to Ben Hur one another as they race to touch the puck, it has resulted in numerous, sometimes catastrophic injuries (as seen here). In international competition, no-touch icing is implemented, where the puck just needs to cross both the center line and the opposing team's goal line to be called for icing (i.e. the purple guy doesn't need to race to touch the puck first). The NHL is currently flirting with the idea of introducing a hybrid icing rule, where a linesman can call icing if it is obvious that a player for the opposing team would touch the puck first. Don Cherry, who normally makes the most asinine, borderline-senile comments during Coach's Corner, is one of hybrid icing's biggest advocates.
I meant to get this post out last week before exhibition games began. I truly did. But I don't really care for despair - And much like a looming spiral of depression threatens to engulf me every time I attempt to draft a budget, writing about the Leafs' prospects for the 2010-2011 season turns me into a sad sack of misery and self-loathing. So, grab your favourite Dashboard Confessional album and a pint of chocolate Haagen Dazs .... This is going to be ugly.
Prologue: Hi. My name is Lia, and I'm a Leafs fan. ("Hiiiiii Lia."). Don't let my sudden onset of turrets syndrome during Leafs' games fool you - I am a hopeless die hard, optimistic to a fault, and unquestionably committed to supporting them through thin, and thinner. I couldn't breathe when I met Wendel Clark, I am the loudest person in the standing section, and if I were to ever find out that a guy I was dating wasn't a Leafs fan, it would be a deal breaker. It's my own personal tragedy.
General Overview: The Leafs are in a dark place. Since the lockout in 2004-2005, the Leafs have endured three general managers, zero playoff berths, and an embarrassing amount of poor, short-sighted trades. However, Brian Burke is now at the helm, and although many think that the Kessel trade was a John Ferguson Jr.-esque gaffe, the team is faster, stronger and younger since Burke took the Leafs to the editing room.
The Way They Were: At times, the Leafs were painfully bad to watch this past season (beside the glorious debut of JS Giguere, who stopped all 30 shots to shut out the Devils, and then went on to blank the Dreaded X, putting an end to their ridiculous, undeserved 11 game winning streak, and winning me a fantastic bet wherein a friend had to hand-feed me for the entirety of the Super Bowl game). The morale was so low this past season that even Burke admitted that the boys were immovable - In a recent interview, he described how he yelled at, pleaded with, and shamed the boys in the locker room, but to no avail. As a result, Burke blew up the team, sending Matt Stajan, Ian White, Niklas Hagman and Jamal Mayers to Calgary, and shipping Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala to the Ducks. Although the new and ostensibly improved team picked up the slack towards the end of the season, the Leafs still finished second last in the league, and ranked dead last in categories such as power play effectiveness and penalty kill. Good times.
What's Different in 2010-2011: There's actually not a whole lot that's NOT different. Only 13 players who started off the 2009-2010 season are still in the Leafs lineup today (and that's generously assuming that Jeff Finger will be making the cut this year). The biggest acquisitions during the 2009-2010 season were J.S. Giguere from the Ducks, and Dion Phaneuf from the Flames (who is the first person to don the "C" since Mats Sundin left us for Vancouver in 2008). In the off-season, Burkie picked up D-man Brett Lebda, and forwards Colby Armstrong and Kris Versteeg. There also seems to be big expectations for Marcel Mueller (German-born player who once was on the German Olympic team) and Matt Lashoff, but there really aren't any statistics or reasons to legitimize having these hopes, and I think is more symptomatic of city-wide depression.
Offense: [note: at this point in my blog, I actually just said out loud, "Why am I doing this to myself?" - This should give you an indication of what's to come]. Well, Tyler Bozak is the Leafs number one centre (Who's Tyler Bozak, you ask? Exactly.) In the interests of being optimistic though, I should note that last night's pre-season game against the Flyers showcased a lot of promise for the top line of Versteeg, Bozak and Kessel (a combination I prefer to the original trifecta of Kulemin, Bozak and Kessel, as Kulemin and Grabovski have always seemed to mesh well together). The main problem is depth, particularly at the centre position. We have NO ONE. The young'uns (i.e. Kulemin, Grabovski, Kadri, Caputi and Mitchell) are going to have to step it up if the Leafs plan on ever seeing the back of the net. [And at this point, I would just like to go down as saying: it was a mistake to get rid of Viktor Stalberg. Not just because the man is gorgeous, but because he is going to be really really good.]
Defense: The Leafs have thrown a tonne of money (a whopping $27.7 million to be agonizingly precise) behind their blue line, and have eight NHL-ready D-men in Kaberle, Phaneuf, Beauchemin, Komisarek, Schenn, Gunnarsson, Lebda, and Finger. IF Komiserak can stay healthy, and IF Phaneuf can withstand the pressure of the "C", and IF all the trade talk surrounding Kaberle can provide him with the impetus to restore his play to pre-lockout form, then all of that money MAY not be completely misplaced, and we MIGHT even make the playoffs. However, those are all very big "IF"s, an even bigger "MAY", and one enormous "MIGHT".
Goal: I recognize that this is not the popular view, but I think that by mid-season at the latest, Jonas Gustavsson will be our starting goalie. Giguere is not the goaltender that he used to be, and while he will undoubtedly provide invaluable mentorship to the Monster (particularly in conjunction with goaltending coach Francois Allaire), I'm not convinced that he's going to be our guy going forward (assuming, of course, that that IS our direction). As always, a close goaltending tandem will provide for some healthy competition between the two men, and as a result, we should see an improvement in the Leafs' dismal Goals Against stat from last season (an abysmal 263, putting the Leafs in ..... wait for it ... second last!).
Eye-Candy: In a phenomenon that distressingly resembles Stockholm Syndrome, I find a lot of Leafs players really attractive. I think Tyler Bozak is super adorable, Mike Brown is the hottest unknown, Luca Caputi is the best looking guy with the greatest name, Carl Gunnarson looks most like my model-friend Kyle Misewich, Mike Komisarek is hot for a blonde guy, and Colby Armstrong is attractive when you can only see his profile and he's kissing his baby.
Prediction: I'll be honest - I don't think that they'll make the playoffs this year. I think they'll finish 10th in the East, which will be enough to deprive the Bruins of a second heart-breaking draft pick, and set the ground work for an even better season in 2011-2012. I think Kaberle won't see the end of a season in a Leafs uniform, and Burke will pull off some ridiculous trade for a power forward midway through the season. As for me, I predict yet another season of torment, ridicule, and hate shakes.
Look, I understand how tough it is. Every single season ends with me lamenting my geographical location, desperately holding on to any shred of hope that I can find, or possibly even fabricate so that I can sleep at night. I actually heard myself say at the end of last season: "Well, it's better to be young and bad than old and bad!!" I get it.
But what honestly made me sicker than the uninspiring performance of the Leafs in tonight's pre-season game against the Senators was the completely contemptible behaviour of the "fans" that were packed into the ACC. Booing your own players is poor form. I don't care if that's how you choose to voice your malcontent, or if jeering makes you feel better about losing. The only message you're sending is that you're not a fan base worth playing hard for.
And can we please just revisit the fact that this was a pre-seasongame?! Everyone knows that pre-season games don't mean anything unless you're winning! The Leafs are a brand new team this year, and haven't had the chance to coalesce. Chemistry is not an immediate phenomenon, as evidenced by any alleged "dream team" of star players who crash and burn when they try to play together.
Give. Them. Time.
Fine I admit: Both Gustavsson and Rynnas were weak and out of position, Kadri will never even earn a roster spot with play like tonight, the passes were sloppy, the special teams were decidedly unspecial, and I can only pray that Phaneuf is better in the locker room than he was on the ice - But tonight, it was the fans that make me ashamed to admit my allegiance. Lock it up.
I was in the elevator the other day, awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with the person two inches away from me by keeping my eyes glued to the television screen, when a sports update came on. It was about Alex Ovechkin, and his new stance on Sochi (basically, his "ra ra Russia" stance of playing for his country in the Olympics no matter what the NHL decides or does to him is more bark than bite). My under-the-breath comment about flaky Russians caught the attention of one of my colleagues, who looked up at the screen, turned to me, and asked "Who's Ovechkin?".
Le sigh.
So this week's Hockey for Bernies is going to be a brief rundown of the major players in the NHL - i.e. the players who, if you ever ask out loud in public about their identities, will illicit strange looks and cause an instant diminishment of your street cred.
Alexander Ovechkin: Hilariously Russian, Ovechkin is the captain of the Washington Capitals. He is also one of the most polarizing players in the game. You either love the man or you hate him (spoiler alert: I LOVE him, am gloriously entertained by his accent, and think that although he is getting a bit predictable, has the best hands in the league). He's a pest, but is also so unbelievably good at what he does, that no one really seems to care. He's received slaps on the wrists for egregeious (and numerous) elbowing incidents, has outrageous goal celebrations (as seen here), and scores seemingly impossible goals (like this one, and this one). Things people will be talking about this year: Whether or not he will once again win the Art Ross Trophy (given to the player who scores the most points in the regular season), his seeming inability to rally the Caps behind him in the playoffs (likely a consequence of selfish play on his part), and his magnetic pairing with Nicklas Backstrom.
Sidney Crosby: An angel sent from God to win me a gold medal in the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, Crosby is Mario Lemieux's mini-me, and has been touted as "The Next One" (if you don't know what that is in reference to, please direct your mouse to the small red 'x' at the top right corner of your screen) since he was playing in the AHL. He is the youngest captain in the history of the NHL to win the Stanley Cup (for the Pittsburgh Penguins), and is deemed by some (but not myself) to be the sexiest player in the league (really?). Things people will be talking about this year: his ongoing rivalry with Ovechkin (they were both rookies at the same time, and are always directly compared in every single way that they can be), the need for him to be tougher on ice (hey! He's Canadian!! We're polite!), and what the hell else the man possibly has left to accomplish.
Ilya Kovalchuk: Normally wouldn't make this list, but his super public contract dispute put him directly in the eye of the media storm this past summer. Nutshell?: The New Jersey Devils initially contracted with Kovalchuk for 102 million dollars over 17 years. Because the Devils could structure the payment schedule any way they wanted, the contract was objected to by the NHL (and eventually thrown out by an arbitrator) because it was thought that the Devils would make the last couple of the 17 years low-paying "dummy" years in order to circumvent the Collective Bargaining Agreement and the cap restrictions. The Devils have since come back and signed him to a 100 million dollar contract at 15 years, but have been slapped with a 3 million dollar fine, and are being forced by the NHL to surrender some draft picks, as well as Johnny Oduya and prospect Patrice Cormier. This whole debacle has caused the NHL to seriously revise contract rules, which I will soon blog about once I wrap my head around them.
Dion Phaneuf: Newest captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and therefore, either a God among men or Public Enemy #1. Sadly, Phaneuf is probably best known for dating Elisha Cuthbert, but I swear to you, he once was really good. He can be a defensive powerhouse (he once was even a finalist for the Norris Trophy (given to the best defenseman in the league)), and was amazing in his rookie year (finalist for the Calder, and set a Flames record for most goals scored by a defenseman in his rookie year). He did pretty much nothing in his first half-season as a Leaf, but I have faith. Silly, baseless, get-me-nowhere-but-rage-blackouts, faith.
Sean Avery: I hate giving this man any more attention than he already gets, but even my friend who didn't know who Ovechkin was had heard about Avery's comments about Elisha Cuthbert (they once dated, so when she started dating Phaneuf, he made some asinine comment about Phaneuf picking up his sloppy seconds - The man is all class). Sean Avery is on my poop list, along with Daniel Alfredsson (who I actually won't mention in this blog because he REALLY doesn't deserve it - but just for reference, he is the carrot-top captain of the Dreaded X Ottawa Senators), animal abusers, and Jerry Seinfeld. Think of what would annoy you most, and then multiply it by a hundred - That's what Sean Avery does every time he is on the ice. Martin Brodeur (goalie for the Devils) didn't even shake his hand post-game, that's how bad he is. He also made fun of Jason Blake for having cancer. Stand up guy, really.
[I'm aware that I'm leaving out quite a few players that would be considered to be in the NHL spotlight, but those are the five, in my humble but completely correct opinion, who have attracted (and will continue to attract) the most media attention.]
Aaaaah yes. Rookies and Hotties. What a
delicious post this has been to write.
Disclaimer: While I do feel that the Rookies section is fairly comprehensive, and covers the four NHL newbies that will be the most frequently discussed this season, the Hotties section is completely based on my own taste and type. If you feel like I've made a grievous error and left someone off of the list, let me know! I'm always looking for new NHL players to have unreciprocated, sad crushes on.
Rookies:
Taylor Hall: This is the guy to watch this season, and if he didn't play for the Edmonton Oilers, I probably would. Drafted first overall in the 2010 draft, Hall is an incredible playmaker (who he will be making these plays with remains to be seen however...) and a mature player who plays well with and without the puck. He's definitely the frontrunner for the Calder Trophy (aka Rookie of the Year award), so remember this name. Just throwing it into conversations along with things like "yah but too bad Edmonton sucks even worse than the Leafs" will give you some cred.
Tyler Seguin: This is a tough one for me to talk about. Seguin was drafted second overall in the 2010 draft by the Boston Bruins ... with the Leafs' pick. Allow me to explain, as you can bet that the Toronto Sun will be simply resplendent with stories crucifying Brian Burke every time Seguin does anything of any value whatsoever. One of Burke's first major moves as GM for the Leafs was to acquire Phil Kessel from the Bruins. Kessel is currently playing right wing on the first line for the Leafs, and is by far the team's highest producing forward. However, in exchange for Kessel, Burke gave the Bruins a pair of first round draft picks (for 2010 and 2011), and a second rounder. When a team acquires a draft pick, they then select players in the draft based on how the team they traded with placed in the season prior to the draft (still with me?) - so because the Leafs soul-crushingly finished in second last this past season, the Boston Bruins got to pick second in the first round (and the Edmonton Oilers, who finished last this past season, got to pick first). The Bruins selected Seguin. Moral of the story: I am hoping that Tyler Seguin crashes and burns, and takes the rest of the despicable Bruins with him.
Nazem Kadri: aka The Chosen One. It seems like all of Toronto is pinning its hopes on Kadri who, after being drafted seventh overall in the 2009 draft, has added enough bulk in the off-season to make his speed and soft touch with the puck a veritable threat to any opposing team. He will likely start off centering the third line, but look for him to move on up when Ron Wilson loses his cool with Mikhail "Sergei Berezin" Grabovski. [note: Sergei Berezin used to the play for the Leafs and was a consummate puck hog who was too busy trying to be a fancy Russian to actually score any goals (save for a small blip in the system in 1998-1999)].
Cody Hodgson: Selected 10th overall in the 2008 draft, a persistent back injury kept Hodgson out of the Canucks' lineup last season - But in the month that he played for the Brampton Battalion, he acquired 20 points in 13 games played. And despite being injured, he's still listed as the #4 prospect on Future Watch 2010.
Hotties:
First and foremost - Andrew Ference, who is seen here -->
Defenceman for the Boston Bruins (#21), the man is not just a beautiful (and insanely built) hat rack. The last couple of years have seen Ference taking an increasing involvement in environmental initiatives, and this past summer, when he wasn't working out, he was down in the Gulf of Mexico to help rehabilitate the coastline after the BP oil spill. He has two daughters (Ava and Stella), 13 tattoos, and is currently recovering from a groin injury (*wiiiiiiink*) that had him benched for most of last season.
Taylor Pyatt - the man with the most incredible baby blues you will ever see. A former Canuck, Pyatt now plays left wing for the Phoenix Coyotes (#14). On April 2, 2009, Pyatt tragically lost his highschool sweetheart (and fiancee) of 11 years when the taxi cab she was taking lost control and overturned, crashing into a utility pole. On the first anniversary of her death, Pyatt had a "Gordie Howe hat trick" (a goal, an assist, and a fight), and when asked about the significance of having such a good game on such an important date, he told the reporter that every time he is on the ice, it's for her.
I. Love. Him.
Antoine Vermette - I don't really want to spend too much time on this one, considering the rag that he is putting on in the picture (luckily, he no longer plays for the Dreaded X, but instead plays centre for the Columbus Blue Jackets - #50), but my god ...
Sheldon Souray - Looks like a soap star. And not a Young-and-the-Restless-my-grandma-loves-him kind of soap star, but a sexy foreign one who is somehow always missing the first four buttons on his shirt and always seems to have just come in from the rain. Oh yah, he also plays defence for the Edmonton Oilers (#44).
Henrik Lundqvist - Goaltender for the New York Rangers, and the number one argument for removing the cage from the goalie mask.
Peter Schaefer - Regrettably another former Senator, Schaefer is currently a free agent ... both in the NHL (which means that he can be signed by any team - And he was most recently invited to the Canucks' training camp!), and in real life (which means I am currently coming up with a plan to make him my boyfriend).
Carey Price - My only cradle-robbing selection, and the second goalie (for the Montreal Canadiens) on this list, Carey Price is not just smokin hot, he is also one cool cat. It's not easy being a goaltender in Montreal, where the fans will either idolize or villify you based on your performance in one period of a pre-season game , but Price always seems to keep his cool. My favourite Price moment was when Montreal fans, in all of their infinite compassion and patience, sarcastically cheered when Price made a routine save, and Price raised his arms in mock celebration right back at them (as seen here). I love people who make Habs fans feel like idiots.
Petr Sykora - Also a free agent, Sykora would not have normally made the list, but for the fact that when asked how he felt about scoring his first natural hat trick, he replied: "I don't care anymore. I have a beautiful son, and that's all that matters." AH-DORABLE. Yah, NOW go back and look at that picture. Cuter right?
Ok, so I got slightly carried away in my research, and decided to add my two favourite soccer (or "football" for my European readers - haha who am I kidding?) players:
Iker Casillas. Keeper for 2010 World Cup Champions. He is a beautiful man. That is all.
And David Villa. Villa normally plays for Barcelona FC, and during Spain's World Cup campaign, he scored the majority of his team's goals.
