I apologize for the lateness of this week's installment of Hockey for Bernies, but despondency really stifles my creativity.
In an attempt to give my misery some company, I rallied some of my friends together for Hockey Night in Canada this past Saturday. 7:00-10:00 pm was par for the course - The ACC somehow managed to find yet another occasion/holiday/obscure 4th liner from the 1950's to celebrate in a protracted pre-game ceremony, the Leafs made me suicidal, Ron Wilson had me screaming at the television for hours, and Steve's cries of joys over the Senators' continued winning streak made my ears bleed.
Then HNIC shifted to the west coast, where the Vancouver Canucks were being visited by the Detroit Red Wings, and they played ... HOCKEY. Actual hockey - with clean goals, and crisp passes, and hard hits, and players who can skate. A few of my friends commented on how much more enjoyable the Canucks game was to watch, so I thought that this week's Hockey for Bernies could compare and contrast the Eastern and Western Conferences.
Western Conference: 9 of the last 15 Stanley Cup Champions have been from the Western (Campbell) Conference. 12 of the last 15 President's Trophy winners have also been of Western affiliation.
Eastern Conference: If playoff spots were given to the best 16 teams in the league, rather than per Conference, only 6 teams from the East would have qualified last year. Also, for those Leafs fans out there, the "Stanley Cup" is a big silver goblet given to the team that wins four playoff rounds. What are these "playoffs" that I'm referring to? Oh, never mind.
Western Conference: In order to score goals, players employ the crazy strategy of making crisp, smart passes in the other team's zone, and shooting the puck at the net.
Eastern Conference: In order to score goals, players body slam goalies and count on the fact that because they're playing Florida, no one is paying attention.
Western Conference: After particularly difficult or intense playoff games, Western Conference fans unwind by having a few beers and/or kayaking.
Eastern Conference: After particularly difficult or intense playoff games, Eastern Conference fans unwind by beating up visiting Buffalo Sabres fans, setting cars on fire, and/or taking a break from watching the annual April Leafs golf tournament long enough to wonder what all of the hoopla is about.
Western Conference: Fans revere players like Henrik Sedin, Drew Doughty, Jonathan Toews, and Pavel Dastyuk.
Eastern Conference: Fans revere players like Milan Lucic, Matt Carkner, Tie Domi, and Chris Pronger.
Western Conference: The hockey community hailed Brian Burke as a genius for pulling off a last minute trade that saw both Sedins land in Vancouver, and for taking the Anaheim Mighty Ducks from Emilio Estevez to Lord Stanley.
Eastern Conference: For a fraction of a nano-second in 2009, the hockey community hailed Brian Burke as a genius for trading worthless draft picks for scoring phenom Phil Kessel, and for turning around the struggling Maple Leafs.
Western Conference: Before a playoff game in cities such as Chicago or Vancouver, the crowd would cheer so loudly that you couldn't even hear the anthems being played.
Eastern Conference: Before a playoff game in Ottawa, the crowd would be so silent that you could hear every. single. rally cry of Eugene Melnyck dressed as a Spartan.
Western Conference: Otherwise ineffective players are at least still recognized in the media for their work in the community.
Eastern Conference: Otherwise ineffective players are at least still recognized in the media for marrying Carrie Underwood.
The senator thing is hilarious, not because it's a blight on the Sens specifically. I think its indicative of how hokey and mickey mouse the NHL can be in general when it comes to marketing and spectacle. This just happens to be a particularly embarrassing moment in what is a long list of playing dress-up as the real big leagues, like the NFL.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the hate of the Fisher/Underwood union but disagree with the ineffective comment. You should see what he can do in my bedroom
ReplyDeleteHilarious from start to finish. Thank you for digging up that gem of a video.
ReplyDeleteIf you happened to watch the Canucks-Habs game last night, you'll know the Canucks don't always play exciting hockey.
The Kurtenblog recently pointed out that last year, only three teams from the East finished with a winning record against the West. Thoughts on reasons for the imbalance? Do other leagues have similar imbalances?
I actually couldn't sit through the entire Senators thing. The only good thing to come out of that was one of the better Steve Dickie rants of all time
ReplyDelete(up there with Canadian Soccer and Duncan Quizno's).
The Canucks played terrible against the Habs. Terrible. But they won 6 in a row before that and their best players still haven't hit their stride. Look out NHL.
Also, it's easier to love the Western Conference when you live in the Pacific Standard Timezone. Just sayin.
ReplyDeleteP.P.S. According to last night, if you are the Leafs, you can't even rely on playing Florida anymore. Ouch.
ReplyDeleteNot much substance to this post. The West is clearly a better style of hockey to watch. I'm not sure if you've ever seen playoff series of MTL/Pitt or MTL/Wash or anytime Pitt plays WASH but those games compare in excitement. Your attempts at humor usually are successful... usually.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous the 2nd - Barf.
Micah - From what I've gleaned from people who actually like basketball, there seems to be a similar imbalance in the NBA. Theories?: Gary Bettman and air quality.
P - low blow buddy. Low. Blow.
Anonymous the 7th - In all fairness, I did preface my post with a warning about my melancholia wreaking havoc on the right side of my brain. And I suppose I could have further explained that my comparison between the two Conferences comes almost completely from watching Leafs and Canucks games, although I am very aware of how exciting Caps/Pens games can be, and how very dull Wild/Coyotes games can be. This post was mostly written in jest to distract myself from the misery that is the Toronto Maple Leafs. And for the record, I think my attempts at humour are always successful ;)
You're pretty.
ReplyDeleteThe AFC is far superior to the NFC in the NFL to a point where instead of it being even odds for each conference to win the super bowl, the winner coming from the AFC is more than just a slight favorite. Same thing in baseball... 4 of the top 6 favorites are from the American League, and even in the NBA, the depth of the Western Conference is far superior than the Toronto Raptors actually being in a playoff race some years... Also, wouldn't you think that senator dude would have at least gone for some airbrushed abs? Lets be honest here...
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to a Maple Leafs win streak so that we can have a happy post. All this sarcasm has got me down.
ReplyDeleteYou're a hater and I don't like it. However, I'll keep reading because I you're a nice person and you'll hate me if I don't.