Hockey for Bernies: Icing

Enough is enough.

The following is a simple, illustrated explanation of the icing rule:

These are hockey players playing hockey. The green stickman represents one team, and the purple stickman represents the other. The green stickman has the puck in his own end.

If the purple team is coming on strong, the green stickman might just try to get the puck out of his end. As a result of where he is, the puck will cross the center line. 

IF the puck also crosses the purple team's goal line,

AND a purple guy touches the puck before a green guy,

then "icing" has occurred, and the play will be whistled dead. A faceoff will then come back into the green team's end.

Note:
- Icing would not be enforced if the green team was shorthanded (i.e. had a player in the penalty box)

- If the purple goalie made a move to play the puck, icing would be waved off

- Icing would also be waved off if the puck touched any purple player before crossing both lines

- Icing might be waved off if, in the discretion of the official, a purple player could have played the puck   before it crossed the goal line but chose not to (this is most likely to happen when the purple team is making a line change, and the purple players avoid touching the puck so as to not get called for "too many men" on the ice)

A few important things to know about icing:

Since the 2004-2005 lockout, a team can no longer make a line change after icing the puck.

While it can be exciting to watch two players try to Ben Hur one another as they race to touch the puck, it has resulted in numerous, sometimes catastrophic injuries (as seen here). In international competition, no-touch icing is implemented, where the puck just needs to cross both the center line and the opposing team's goal line to be called for icing (i.e. the purple guy doesn't need to race to touch the puck first). The NHL is currently flirting with the idea of introducing a hybrid icing rule, where a linesman can call icing if it is obvious that a player for the opposing team would touch the puck first. Don Cherry, who normally makes the most asinine, borderline-senile comments during Coach's Corner, is one of hybrid icing's biggest advocates.

Print this out and put it on the fridge mom.

Tis the Season (Part II)

I meant to get this post out last week before exhibition games began. I truly did. But I don't really care for despair - And much like a looming spiral of depression threatens to engulf me every time I attempt to draft a budget, writing about the Leafs' prospects for the 2010-2011 season turns me into a sad sack of misery and self-loathing. So, grab your favourite Dashboard Confessional album and a pint of chocolate Haagen Dazs .... This is going to be ugly.

Prologue: Hi. My name is Lia, and I'm a Leafs fan. ("Hiiiiii Lia."). Don't let my sudden onset of turrets syndrome during Leafs' games fool you - I am a hopeless die hard, optimistic to a fault, and unquestionably committed to supporting them through thin, and thinner. I couldn't breathe when I met Wendel Clark, I am the loudest person in the standing section, and if I were to ever find out that a guy I was dating wasn't a Leafs fan, it would be a deal breaker. It's my own personal tragedy.

General Overview: The Leafs are in a dark place. Since the lockout in 2004-2005, the Leafs have endured three general managers, zero playoff berths, and an embarrassing amount of poor, short-sighted trades. However, Brian Burke is now at the helm, and although many think that the Kessel trade was a John Ferguson Jr.-esque gaffe, the team is faster, stronger and younger since Burke took the Leafs to the editing room.

The Way They Were: At times, the Leafs were painfully bad to watch this past season (beside the glorious debut of JS Giguere, who stopped all 30 shots to shut out the Devils, and then went on to blank the Dreaded X, putting an end to their ridiculous, undeserved 11 game winning streak, and winning me a fantastic bet wherein a friend had to hand-feed me for the entirety of the Super Bowl game). The morale was so low this past season that even Burke admitted that the boys were immovable - In a recent interview, he described how he yelled at, pleaded with, and shamed the boys in the locker room, but to no avail. As a result, Burke blew up the team, sending Matt Stajan, Ian White, Niklas Hagman and Jamal Mayers to Calgary, and shipping Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala to the Ducks. Although the new and ostensibly improved team picked up the slack towards the end of the season, the Leafs still finished second last in the league, and ranked dead last in categories such as power play effectiveness and penalty kill. Good times.

What's Different in 2010-2011: There's actually not a whole lot that's NOT different. Only 13 players who started off the 2009-2010 season are still in the Leafs lineup today (and that's generously assuming that Jeff Finger will be making the cut this year). The biggest acquisitions during the 2009-2010 season were J.S. Giguere from the Ducks, and Dion Phaneuf from the Flames (who is the first person to don the "C" since Mats Sundin left us for Vancouver in 2008). In the off-season, Burkie picked up D-man Brett Lebda, and forwards Colby Armstrong and Kris Versteeg. There also seems to be big expectations for Marcel Mueller (German-born player who once was on the German Olympic team) and Matt Lashoff, but there really aren't any statistics or reasons to legitimize having these hopes, and I think is more symptomatic of city-wide depression.

Offense: [note: at this point in my blog, I actually just said out loud, "Why am I doing this to myself?" - This should give you an indication of what's to come]. Well, Tyler Bozak is the Leafs number one centre (Who's Tyler Bozak, you ask? Exactly.) In the interests of being optimistic though, I should note that last night's pre-season game against the Flyers showcased a lot of promise for the top line of Versteeg, Bozak and Kessel (a combination I prefer to the original trifecta of Kulemin, Bozak and Kessel, as Kulemin and Grabovski have always seemed to mesh well together). The main problem is depth, particularly at the centre position. We have NO ONE. The young'uns (i.e. Kulemin, Grabovski, Kadri, Caputi and Mitchell) are going to have to step it up if the Leafs plan on ever seeing the back of the net. [And at this point, I would just like to go down as saying: it was a mistake to get rid of Viktor Stalberg. Not just because the man is gorgeous, but because he is going to be really really good.]

Defense: The Leafs have thrown a tonne of money (a whopping $27.7 million to be agonizingly precise) behind their blue line, and have eight NHL-ready D-men in Kaberle, Phaneuf, Beauchemin, Komisarek, Schenn, Gunnarsson, Lebda, and Finger. IF Komiserak can stay healthy, and IF Phaneuf can withstand the pressure of the "C", and IF all the trade talk surrounding Kaberle can provide him with the impetus to restore his play to pre-lockout  form, then all of that money MAY not be completely misplaced, and we MIGHT even make the playoffs. However, those are all very big "IF"s, an even bigger "MAY", and one enormous "MIGHT".  

Goal: I recognize that this is not the popular view, but I think that by mid-season at the latest, Jonas Gustavsson will be our starting goalie. Giguere is not the goaltender that he used to be, and while he will undoubtedly provide invaluable mentorship to the Monster (particularly in conjunction with goaltending coach Francois Allaire), I'm not convinced that he's going to be our guy going forward (assuming, of course, that that IS our direction). As always, a close goaltending tandem will provide for some healthy competition between the two men, and as a result, we should see an improvement in the Leafs' dismal Goals Against stat from last season (an abysmal 263, putting the Leafs in ..... wait for it ... second last!).

Eye-Candy: In a phenomenon that distressingly resembles Stockholm Syndrome, I find a lot of Leafs players really attractive. I think Tyler Bozak is super adorable, Mike Brown is the hottest unknown, Luca Caputi is the best looking guy with the greatest name, Carl Gunnarson looks most like my model-friend Kyle Misewich, Mike Komisarek is hot for a blonde guy, and Colby Armstrong is attractive when you can only see his profile and he's kissing his baby.

Prediction: I'll be honest - I don't think that they'll make the playoffs this year. I think they'll finish 10th in the East, which will be enough to deprive the Bruins of a second heart-breaking draft pick, and set the ground work for an even better season in 2011-2012. I think Kaberle won't see the end of a season in a Leafs uniform, and Burke will pull off some ridiculous trade for a power forward midway through the season. As for me, I predict yet another season of torment, ridicule, and hate shakes.

An Open Letter to Leafs' Fans

Dear fellow Leafs fan:

Look, I understand how tough it is. Every single season ends with me lamenting my geographical location, desperately holding on to any shred of hope that I can find, or possibly even fabricate so that I can sleep at night. I actually heard myself say at the end of last season: "Well, it's better to be young and bad than old and bad!!" I get it.

But what honestly made me sicker than the uninspiring performance of the Leafs in tonight's pre-season game against the Senators was the completely contemptible behaviour of the "fans" that were packed into the ACC. Booing your own players is poor form. I don't care if that's how you choose to voice your malcontent, or if jeering makes you feel better about losing. The only message you're sending is that you're not a fan base worth playing hard for.

And can we please just revisit the fact that this was a pre-season game?! Everyone knows that pre-season games don't mean anything unless you're winning! The Leafs are a brand new team this year, and haven't had the chance to coalesce. Chemistry is not an immediate phenomenon, as evidenced by any alleged "dream team" of star players who crash and burn when they try to play together. 


Give. Them. Time.


Fine I admit: Both Gustavsson and Rynnas were weak and out of position, Kadri will never even earn a roster spot with play like tonight, the passes were sloppy, the special teams were decidedly unspecial, and I can only pray that Phaneuf is better in the locker room than he was on the ice -  But tonight, it was the fans that make me ashamed to admit my allegiance. Lock it up. 


Yours, 


Lia

EDIT: Carey Price and I are clearly soulmates.

Hockey for Bernies (Major Players edition)

I was in the elevator the other day, awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with the person two inches away from me by keeping my eyes glued to the television screen, when a sports update came on. It was about Alex Ovechkin, and his new stance on Sochi (basically, his "ra ra Russia" stance of playing for his country in the Olympics no matter what the NHL decides or does to him is more bark than bite). My under-the-breath comment about flaky Russians caught the attention of one of my colleagues, who looked up at the screen, turned to me, and asked "Who's Ovechkin?".

Le sigh.

So this week's Hockey for Bernies is going to be a brief rundown of the major players in the NHL - i.e. the players who, if you ever ask out loud in public about their identities, will illicit strange looks and cause an instant diminishment of your street cred.

Alexander Ovechkin: Hilariously Russian, Ovechkin is the captain of the Washington Capitals. He is also one of the most polarizing players in the game. You either love the man or you hate him (spoiler alert: I LOVE him, am gloriously entertained by his accent, and think that although he is getting a bit predictable, has the best hands in the league). He's a pest, but is also so unbelievably good at what he does, that no one really seems to care. He's received slaps on the wrists for egregeious (and numerous) elbowing incidents, has outrageous goal celebrations (as seen here), and scores seemingly impossible goals (like this one, and this one). Things people will be talking about this year: Whether or not he will once again win the Art Ross Trophy (given to the player who scores the most points in the regular season), his seeming inability to rally the Caps behind him in the playoffs (likely a consequence of selfish play on his part), and his magnetic pairing with Nicklas Backstrom.

Sidney Crosby: An angel sent from God to win me a gold medal in the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, Crosby is Mario Lemieux's mini-me, and has been touted as "The Next One" (if you don't know what that is in reference to, please direct your mouse to the small red 'x' at the top right corner of your screen) since he was playing in the AHL. He is the youngest captain in the history of the NHL to win the Stanley Cup (for the Pittsburgh Penguins), and is deemed by some (but not myself) to be the sexiest player in the league (really?). Things people will be talking about this year: his ongoing rivalry with Ovechkin (they were both rookies at the same time, and are always directly compared in every single way that they can be), the need for him to be tougher on ice (hey! He's Canadian!! We're polite!), and what the hell else the man possibly has left to accomplish.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Normally wouldn't make this list, but his super public contract dispute put him directly in the eye of the media storm this past summer. Nutshell?: The New Jersey Devils initially contracted with Kovalchuk for 102 million dollars over 17 years. Because the Devils could structure the payment schedule any way they wanted, the contract was objected to by the NHL (and eventually thrown out by an arbitrator) because it was thought that the Devils would make the last couple of the 17 years low-paying "dummy" years in order to circumvent the Collective Bargaining Agreement and the cap restrictions. The Devils have since come back and signed him to a 100 million dollar contract at 15 years, but have been slapped with a  3 million dollar fine, and are being forced by the NHL to surrender some draft picks, as well as Johnny Oduya and prospect Patrice Cormier. This whole debacle has caused the NHL to seriously revise contract rules, which I will soon blog about once I wrap my head around them.

Dion Phaneuf: Newest captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and therefore, either a God among men or Public Enemy #1. Sadly, Phaneuf is probably best known for dating Elisha Cuthbert, but I swear to you, he once was really good. He can be a defensive powerhouse (he once was even a finalist for the Norris Trophy (given to the best defenseman in the league)), and was amazing in his rookie year (finalist for the Calder, and set a Flames record for most goals scored by a defenseman in his rookie year). He did pretty much nothing in his first half-season as a Leaf, but I have faith. Silly, baseless, get-me-nowhere-but-rage-blackouts, faith.

Sean Avery: I hate giving this man any more attention than he already gets, but even my friend who didn't know who Ovechkin was had heard about Avery's comments about Elisha Cuthbert (they once dated, so when she started dating Phaneuf, he made some asinine comment about Phaneuf picking up his sloppy seconds - The man is all class). Sean Avery is on my poop list, along with Daniel Alfredsson (who I actually won't mention in this blog because he REALLY doesn't deserve it - but just for reference, he is the carrot-top captain of the Dreaded X Ottawa Senators), animal abusers, and Jerry Seinfeld. Think of what would annoy you most, and then multiply it by a hundred - That's what Sean Avery does every time he is on the ice. Martin Brodeur (goalie for the Devils) didn't even shake his hand post-game, that's how bad he is. He also made fun of Jason Blake for having cancer. Stand up guy, really.

[I'm aware that I'm leaving out quite a few players that would be considered to be in the NHL spotlight, but those are the five, in my humble but completely correct opinion, who have attracted (and will continue to attract) the most media attention.]

Hockey for Bernies (Who's Who - Rookie and Hottie Edition)

 

Does it get any better?

Aaaaah yes. Rookies and Hotties. What a
delicious post this has been to write.

Disclaimer: While I do feel that the Rookies section is fairly comprehensive, and covers the four NHL newbies that will be the most frequently discussed this season, the Hotties section is completely based on my own taste and type. If you feel like I've made a grievous error and left someone off of the list, let me know! I'm always looking for new NHL players to have unreciprocated, sad crushes on.

Rookies:

Taylor Hall: This is the guy to watch this season, and if he didn't play for the Edmonton Oilers, I probably would. Drafted first overall in the 2010 draft, Hall is an incredible playmaker (who he will be making these plays with remains to be seen however...) and a mature player who plays well with and without the puck. He's definitely the frontrunner for the Calder Trophy (aka Rookie of the Year award), so remember this name. Just throwing it into conversations along with things like "yah but too bad Edmonton sucks even worse than the Leafs" will give you some cred.

Tyler Seguin: This is a tough one for me to talk about. Seguin was drafted second overall in the 2010 draft by the Boston Bruins ... with the Leafs' pick. Allow me to explain, as you can bet that the Toronto Sun will be simply resplendent with stories crucifying Brian Burke every time Seguin does anything of any value whatsoever. One of Burke's first major moves as GM for the Leafs was to acquire Phil Kessel from the Bruins. Kessel is currently playing right wing on the first line for the Leafs, and is by far the team's highest producing forward. However, in exchange for Kessel, Burke gave the Bruins a pair of first round draft picks (for 2010 and 2011), and a second rounder. When a team acquires a draft pick, they then select players in the draft based on how the team they traded with placed in the season prior to the draft (still with me?) - so because the Leafs soul-crushingly finished in second last this past season, the Boston Bruins got to pick second in the first round (and the Edmonton Oilers, who finished last this past season, got to pick first). The Bruins selected Seguin. Moral of the story: I am hoping that Tyler Seguin crashes and burns, and takes the rest of the despicable Bruins with him.

Nazem Kadri: aka The Chosen One. It seems like all of Toronto is pinning its hopes on Kadri who, after being drafted seventh overall in the 2009 draft, has added enough bulk in the off-season to make his speed and soft touch with the puck a veritable threat to any opposing team. He will likely start off centering the third line, but look for him to move on up when Ron Wilson loses his cool with Mikhail "Sergei Berezin" Grabovski. [note: Sergei Berezin used to the play for the Leafs and was a consummate puck hog who was too busy trying to be a fancy Russian to actually score any goals (save for a small blip in the system in 1998-1999)].

Cody Hodgson: Selected 10th overall in the 2008 draft, a persistent back injury kept Hodgson out of the Canucks' lineup last season - But in the month that he played for the Brampton Battalion, he acquired 20 points in 13 games played. And despite being injured, he's still listed as the #4 prospect on Future Watch 2010.

Hotties:

First and foremost - Andrew Ference, who is seen here -->
Defenceman for the Boston Bruins (#21), the man is not just a beautiful (and insanely built) hat rack. The last couple of years have seen Ference taking an increasing involvement in environmental initiatives, and this past summer, when he wasn't working out, he was down in the Gulf of Mexico to help rehabilitate the coastline after the BP oil spill. He has two daughters (Ava and Stella), 13 tattoos, and is currently recovering from a groin injury (*wiiiiiiink*) that had him benched for most of last season.

Taylor Pyatt - the man with the most incredible baby blues you will ever see. A former Canuck, Pyatt now plays left wing for the Phoenix Coyotes (#14). On April 2, 2009, Pyatt tragically lost his highschool sweetheart (and fiancee) of 11 years  when the taxi cab she was taking lost control and overturned, crashing into a utility pole. On the first anniversary of her death, Pyatt had a "Gordie Howe hat trick" (a goal, an assist, and a fight), and when asked about the significance of having such a good game on such an important date, he told the reporter that every time he is on the ice, it's for her.
I. Love. Him.

Antoine Vermette - I don't really want to spend too much time on this one, considering the rag that he is putting on in the picture (luckily, he no longer plays for the Dreaded X, but instead plays centre for the Columbus Blue Jackets - #50), but my god ...

Sheldon Souray - Looks like a soap star. And not a Young-and-the-Restless-my-grandma-loves-him kind of soap star, but a sexy foreign one who is somehow always missing the first four buttons on his shirt and always seems to have just come in from the rain. Oh yah, he also plays defence for the Edmonton Oilers (#44).

Henrik Lundqvist - Goaltender for the New York Rangers, and the number one argument for removing the cage from the goalie mask.

Peter Schaefer - Regrettably another former Senator, Schaefer is currently a free agent ... both in the NHL (which means that he can be signed by any team - And he was most recently invited to the Canucks' training camp!), and in real life (which means I am currently coming up with a plan to make him my boyfriend).

Carey Price - My only cradle-robbing selection, and the second goalie (for the Montreal Canadiens) on this list, Carey Price is not just smokin hot, he is also one cool cat. It's not easy being a goaltender in Montreal, where the fans will either idolize or villify you based on your performance in one period of a pre-season game , but Price always seems to keep his cool. My favourite Price moment was when Montreal fans, in all of their infinite compassion and patience, sarcastically cheered when Price made a routine save, and Price raised his arms in mock celebration right back at them (as seen here). I love people who make Habs fans feel like idiots.  

Petr Sykora - Also a free agent, Sykora would not have normally made the list, but for the fact that when asked how he felt about scoring his first natural hat trick, he replied: "I don't care anymore. I have a beautiful son, and that's all that matters." AH-DORABLE.  Yah, NOW go back and look at that picture. Cuter right?

Ok, so I got slightly carried away in my research, and decided to add my two favourite soccer (or "football" for my European readers - haha who am I kidding?) players:

Iker Casillas. Keeper for 2010 World Cup Champions. He is a beautiful man. That is all.






And David Villa. Villa normally plays for Barcelona FC, and during Spain's World Cup campaign, he scored the majority of his team's goals.


They are the two reasons I am learning Spanish.

Luongo reads my blog...

... and has apparently decided that being the Captain IS in fact too much pressure, and relinquished his C today. His reasons have only been speculated on thus far, and a replacement has yet to be named, but I'm going to start a petition for Bieksa.

Tis the Season

I had originally endeavoured to write a general overview of the upcoming 2010-2011 NHL season, but it ended up revealing way more of my hand for my upcoming Fantasy Hockey league draft than I felt comfortable with. As such, I’ve decided to only do a pre-season analysis of the two teams that I will be following the closest this year: the Vancouver Canucks, and the Toronto Maple Leafs. First up: The ‘Nucks.

[note: for those who are "Hockey for Bernies" readers, or really just come on here to see if I've posted half naked pictures of yummy men, you will not be disappointed - Please skip ahead to the "Eye Candy" section]

Prologue: I feel that it is important to point out here that I am only recently a Canucks fan, and even then, only because I made a deal with God during the Olympics that if Roberto Luongo brought me a gold medal, I would make the Canucks my second favourite team. And well, who am I to risk being smited down by God? I must say though that since fulfilling my end of the bargain, this team has really endeared themselves to me with their heart, impressive depth, and surprising grittiness. I also went to a home game last season where they absolutely destroyed the Senators, and any team that makes a mockery of the Sens is ok by me.

General Overview: The moves made by Mike Gillis (the GM of the Canucks) in the off-season suggest that this team is done with rebuilding, and is looking to strike while the iron is hot. All of the ingredients for a Stanley Cup winning season are there, the fans are ravenous, and the Canucks are sick of being second-round knockouts. It’s time.

The Way They Were: Last season, Henrik Sedin led the league in points with 112, Luongo played his second season as Captain, and players like Burrows and Samuelsson found magic in their lines. Plagued by injuries behind the blue line, the Canucks lost too many battles in the corners and in front of the net, and an inordinate amount of odd-man rushes ended up with the Canucks D-men looking like potted plants. They finished 3rd in the Western Conference, 5th in the NHL, and after a tough series against Drew Doughty (oh how I love thee Drew Doughty) and the Kings, they were eliminated in the second round of the playoffs by the team that is quickly becoming one of their fiercest rivals, the Chicago Blackhawks.

What’s Different in 2010-2011: Grabner, Bernier, Demitra, Wellwood, Raycroft and Mitchell all saw their careers as Canucks come to end (and in the case of Wellwood and Raycroft, probably their careers in the NHL as well – suckers. They would have been on the first line and started in goal if they had stayed on the Leafs! I hate my life). However, Gillis made some serious moves to strengthen the defensive core with the acquisitions of Dan Hamhuis and Keith Ballard, and with Manny Malhotra (best name ever?) and a healthy Cody Hodgson set to center the Canucks’ third and fourth lines, the team won’t even miss a beat.

Offense: The Canucks’ offense is stupid good. Not only do they have two star goal-scorers in the freakishly telepathic Sedin twins, they have jealousy-inspiring depth with their top-six forwards putting up 25+ goals each last season. They are also tenacious as hell – The Canucks led the league last season with 13 third period comebacks (including 2 in the playoffs). Malhotra and Hodgson will add grit and speed to the third and fourth lines, and if Daniel Sedin and Burrows stay healthy, the Canucks’ goal production should stay as impressive as it was last season, if not improve.

Defense: As mentioned above, the D-men left something to be desired last season, but in all fairness, a lot of the disappointment behind the blue line had to do with the insane amount of injuries that battered their defensive core the last couple of seasons. This problem should be significantly alleviated with the impressive durability of both Ballard and Hamhuis, who collectively have missed only 20 games in the last five seasons. I also have an irrational soft spot in my heart for Kevin Bieksa, who I baselessly believe will go on to be a Norris Trophy candidate this year. I call it “the Wade Belak effect”.

Goal: Luongo is coming off an intense year. Not only was he still dealing with the pressure of being recently named Captain, the guy had the hopes of his entire nation riding on his shoulders as he minded the net for Team Canada on home ice. While there is no disputing that he had some standout games, his numbers were far from stellar, and his overall performance was lacklustre. Hopefully, without the pressure of yours truly making deals with God over his Olympic performance, and having gotten used to the C on his helmet, he will be back in top form for the 2010-2011 season. Apparently (thank you Hockey News!), the Canucks have also pledged to start Cory Schneider at least 20 games this season, which will give el capitano a bit of breathing room.

Eye-Candy: There is a disappointing derth of hotties on the Canucks this year. I have a friend who will kill me if I don’t give an honourable mention to Roberto Luongo (kidding kidding - Here you go, MA: a real pic of your main man), but I think the men that make the Canucks all the more watchable are Alex Burrows (if you don’t get it from the picture, make sure to watch him in a post-game interview. His French accent is adorable.), Kevin Bieksa and Ryan Kesler when they are holding babies, Bieksa when he's helping children, and Bieksa when he is fighting and being a totally sexy a-hole.

Predictions: I’m going to go ahead and say it – I think the Canucks will win the Cup this year. I think they will finish second in the conference (behind San Jose, the consummate playoff choke artists), defeat their Chicago Blackhawk demons in the third round, and win the Cup in Game 5 at home. Write that down.

Hockey for Bernies

My mother (Bernie) is one of the most intelligent women that I know. So please understand that when I say the following, I say it with the utmost respect for the woman who birthed and raised me: My mom doesn’t know poop about hockey.


Because she loves me and is my mother, she will watch games with me and yell when I yell, she’ll memorize the names of the players that I both idolize and wish to assassinate, and she will patiently sit through my bouts of Leafs inspired manic-depression. But ask this woman about icing, and her first thought will be about cake.

Which is why, on every Tuesday, I`m going to do a recurring feature called “Hockey for Bernies”. Depending on the week, and what`s happening in the NHL, it will include a breakdown of recent happenings such as trades and injuries, simple explanations of the various rules, and an overview of important players on important teams. I hope to provide, as my lovely roommate requested, enough fodder for people who don`t watch hockey to avoid looking like a complete tool when everyone else around them is analyzing the latest trade or commiserating (what is this “celebrating”?) over the latest game.

Let`s start off this feature with a Cast of Characters – i.e. the names that are most likely to be dropped in the coming 2010-2011 season (and in this blog). [note: as I started writing this, I realized that there are WAY too many people that I will be railing on in this upcoming season, so let’s consider this Part I. I will call it - The Who’s Who of the NHL: The Big Wig Edition]

Gary Bettman – Commissioner of the NHL. He looks like this. Widely considered to the root of all evil, conspiracy theorists everywhere believe that he got the job as Commissioner on the recommendation of David Stern (Commissioner of the NBA). Bettman used to work under Stern in the NBA, and when basketball fell behind hockey in ratings in the US, the theory is that Stern convinced the NHL to hire Bettman as its new face and leader, knowing full well that his ineptitude would torpedo the NHL and that the NBA would retain their rightful spot in American ratings (third, after football and baseball). `

He is best known for the following:

Looking like a hobbit.

His desire to do anything and everything to make hockey popular in the United States. This desire resulted in the infamous expansion of the NHL into the “Sunshine Belt". How did this expansion work out, you ask: the Phoenix Coyotes declared bankruptcy last year, and you can get 4 tickets to see the Nashville Predators (along with 4 hotdogs and 4 Pepsis) for $44.00. In case you haven’t been to the Air Canada Centre lately, you can actually get the same deal there too – only without the tickets and the hotdogs.

Brian Burke – General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Won the Stanley Cup as GM for the Anaheim Ducks, and is considered largely responsible for the Cup-ready team that is currently the Vancouver Canucks. Best known for the following:

His mouth. The man has plenty of opinions and isn’t afraid to share them.

His propensity for building teams from the net out with penalty box-loving brutes. As evidenced by the fact that the Toronto Maple Leafs are currently almost entirely comprised of defencemen, Burke believes that you’ve got to shore up the defence before you can work on your offence. He particularly looks to acquire players with, and I quote, “pugnacity, testosterone, truculence, and belligerence.” He is a man’s man, and appreciates players who aren’t afraid to throw their weight around.

Steve Yzerman – General Manager of the Tampa Bay Lightning. All eyes will be on Yzerman this year as he takes on the position of GM of an NHL team for the first time, and attempts to restore the Lightning to their 2003 Cup-winning form. Players that he will be building around?: Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, Steven Stamkos (all of the above are solid Canadian boys), and the goaltending tandem (when people use this phrase, it is in reference to the starter and backup goaltenders) of Mike Smith and new arrival Dan Ellis.

Best known for:

Being a total DILF.

Taking the helm on the 2010 Canadian men’s GOLD MEDAL WINNING hockey team.

His crazy-long stint as captain of the Detroit Red Wings.

Ron Wilson – coach of the Leafs. Best known for:

Following Brian Burke everywhere he goes.

Being absolutely ruthless when it comes to healthy scratches (aka players who are perfectly healthy, but have been sucking so hard lately that they are put on the injured list), and not being afraid to play around with lines.

Alain Vigneault – coach of the Canucks. Best known for:

Having a name that can only be properly pronounced by the Quebecois.

Holding the franchise record for wins in a season (49 in 2006-2007).

Being zen. While he can certainly lay the smack down when needs be, he is as cool as a cuke when it comes to playoff pressure, bad refs, and player melodrama.



Next up - The Who’s Who of the NHL: The Rookie and Hottie Edition

O Canada

This past year, I was fortunate (and fiscally irresponsible, and impulsive, and intoxicated) enough to obtain tickets to the men's Olympic gold medal hockey game. NOTHING will surpass the moment when I saw puck hit mesh after 7 and a half minutes of coronary-inducing overtime play. I screamed like a banshee. I cried my way through the anthem. And when I randomly woke up at 4 am the following morning, I just laid in bed grinning at my ceiling. You are talking to a girl who will later look her children straight in their eyes and say "Watching that game was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ever."


So needless to say, all of this talk about NHL players potentially no longer participating in the Olympics has captured my attention.

Toronto recently played host to the World Hockey Summit, where everyone who is anyone in professional and amateur hockey (and even those who are decidedly no one - *cough* Daniel Alfredsson) came together to discuss the current state of hockey, and to identify ways in which the game can be made more entertaining (from a fan's perspective), safer (from a player's perspective), and more lucrative (from the owners' perspective). One of the topics that was emotionally and extensively debated was the participation of NHL players in the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia.

Besides my lingering suspicion that this has all been orchestrated by President Medvedev, who will do anything to weaken the Canadian team that so indisputably took the Russians to the cleaners in the quarter-finals in Vancouver, I think that that is an interesting discussion, worth exploring both sides of.

Let's break it down:

Gary Bettman, everyone's favourite villain, is currently being painted as an anti-Olympics crusader, out to destroy all things that bring joy to people's lives. And while I normally blame Bettman for everything from player lockouts to when my toast is burnt, this is largely an undeserved condemnation. He was, after all, the one that first encouraged and facilitated NHL participation in the 1998 Nagano Olympics. If he is guilty of anything, it's kowtowing to the owners.

The owners, and my man Brian Burke in particular, have been very vocal about the issue. They appear to be concerned with the following:

• broadcasting rights
• the high security typical of Olympic games, making it very difficult for general managers and trainers to access their players and keep them healthy
• the strain (both emotional and physical) it puts on players right when the playoff race in the NHL is starting to get tight
• and the fact that it is the host country that dictates the gaming schedule, which in the case of the 2014 Olympics, may mean that hockey games will be playing in North America at 4:00 am (although, let's face it - NBC would probably prefer it this way anyway)

I am slightly confused as to why Brian Burke would be concerned about the strain of the Olympics on the players (because we really needed Kessel and Kaberle to be in top form as we cruised to second last in the league last year?), but besides this depressing and self-defeatist point, I do (begrudgingly) recognize the legitimacy of these concerns. The reason why so many people don't, however, is because these arguments seem completely unrelated and antithetical to the emotion of the Olympics. "But it's the OLYMPICS!!" is the common response to any and all arguments against NHL participation - a testament to the intangible sort of passion that that level of global competition can inspire. Fans in general react adversely to too much business mixed in with sports, but when you have Burke imploring us to sympathize with the fact that these millionaire players aren't getting paid to play in the Olympics, and making obscure arguments about broadcasting rights, people lose. their. minds.

While I am all for transparency and open dialogue, it seems to me that the best thing for Gary Bettman to do (OOOOH, but if I were commissioner!) is to keep his mouth shut until a decision has been made. All that this discussion has accomplished so far is incensing the fan base. And angry fans mean further disenchantment with a sport that's already been tainted by a recent player lockout and the revolving door position that is the head of the NHL Players Association. This disenchantment will lead to a decline in NHL viewership, and ultimately less revenue for the NHL. It's counter-productive.

I, for one, think that even if all of the owners' points go unaddressed, the NHL should still take the hit. The players love to play for their country (except for Kipper, that drama queen SOB), and the figures speak for themselves: 16 million people watched the gold medal finals in Canada, and 26 million watched it in the US. Since that game, NHL viewership has gone up by more than 20% in the States (aka Gary Bettman's wet dream came true). Olympic participation, in the long run, is the best thing for the NHL.

Plus, anything that creates ADORABLE moments like this, this and this has to be kept going.