Hockey for Bernies: Cheat Sheet

At the request of my lovely roomate, who advised me that she was already well versed on the nuances of the icing rule and therefore had no use for my beautiful stickfigure drawings,  I have decided to make this week's Hockey for Bernies into an NHL Cheat Sheet. What I am endeavouring to provide here is a glorified list of talking points so that when people start babbling about hockey around the water cooler, you can at least smile and nod because you recognize the words coming out of their mouths - or maybe even join in!

1. Jordan Eberle's RIDICULOUS goal.

This is definitely talking point #1, as I myself have already discussed this goal with 4 different people. Jordan Eberle is a rookie forward on the Edmonton Oilers, aka, the only team that finished worse than the Leafs last year. Last Thursday night, on the holiest of all days (start of the NHL season), Edmonton played the Calgary Flames, their provincial rivals. The start of the third period saw the Oilers killing a penalty, and the Flames gaining some momentum, when this happened:

The heads-up pass off the boards. The fake-out. The toe-drag. The fact that this was Eberle's first career goal. This highlight reel is like porn for hockey lovers.

It was also followed by this hilarious bit on TSN (courtesy of Mr. JKru), that made me think that in lieu of actually learning how to play hockey, the Oilers have been honing their comedic acting skills.

2. The Maple Leafs are undefeated, and the Senators are still so awful and hideous looking.

After taking NINE painful, dark, depressing games to finally tally one in the W column last season (and then waiting another five games to tally a second), the Leafs have opened the season with back-to-back victories for the first time since 1999 (which, just to give you some cultural context, was the same year that 10 Things I Hate About You came out. That's right, the last time the Leafs started the season 2-0-0 was when Julia Stiles still had relevance).

The Leafs look good. Not Cup-winning good, but at least better than the Senators (although, that's really not saying much). The first line (Versteeg, Kessel, and Bozak) is firing on all cylinders, our fourth line (Orr, Zigomanis, and Moustache Mike) is tough as nails, passes are crisp, Jiggy is solid in net, and our youth is shining through in our constant and sustained speed of play. Leafs Nation is a happy place right now.

The Senators, however, are struggling big time. After an impressive performance at the end of last season, a lot was expected from defenseman Erik Karlsson, who so far has done nothing but make horrendous on-ice decisions that have made him nothing but a defensive liability. Oh and this just in: Spezza is still way over-paid, and Alfredsson is still hideous.

3. Henrik Sedin is the new captain of the Vancouver Canucks

And he is SO Swedish.

4. Jason Pominville and Niklas Hjalmarsson (Say that three times fast. Ok, say it even once).

In last night's game against the Blackhawks, Sabres forward Jason Pominville was skating towards the puck near the right boards in Buffalo's zone when Hjalmarsson checked him from behind, sending Pominville's head flying into the glass. Pominville laid out on the ice for approximately 15 minutes while medical staff stabilized his head and neck, and was eventually carried off by stretcher. It isn't clear how serious the injuries are as of yet, or even if Hjalmarsson's hit was suspension-worthy. However, you can bet that this incident will be a part of Don Cherry's senile rant on next weekend's Coach's Corner, and once again generate extensive discussion on hits from behind, head-hunting, and the general danger inherent in playing hockey.

5. Wisniewski gave Sean Avery the finger

The only person who will talk about this is Sean Avery, because Sean Avery loves talking about Sean Avery. He has, in fact, already approached the media to whine like a bitch about the lack of media attention and/or public condemnation that Wisniewski's allegedly egregious (my word - CERTAINLY not Sean Avery's) misconduct is receiving. Avery said that if he had been the one to give the finger to another player, Gary Bettman would have shipped him off to rehab. Ah yes, the Betty Ford Clinic for chronic bird flippers. Thank you Sean Avery.

Editors Note: it has been brought to my attention that a certain sports news site incorrectly identified Wisniewski's offensive gesture. For those who would like to be edified, please direct your attention here (mom, this does NOT mean you). Also, please note that I will be purchasing a James Wisniewski jersey tomorrow.