Sep 6, 2010

Hockey for Bernies

My mother (Bernie) is one of the most intelligent women that I know. So please understand that when I say the following, I say it with the utmost respect for the woman who birthed and raised me: My mom doesn’t know poop about hockey.


Because she loves me and is my mother, she will watch games with me and yell when I yell, she’ll memorize the names of the players that I both idolize and wish to assassinate, and she will patiently sit through my bouts of Leafs inspired manic-depression. But ask this woman about icing, and her first thought will be about cake.

Which is why, on every Tuesday, I`m going to do a recurring feature called “Hockey for Bernies”. Depending on the week, and what`s happening in the NHL, it will include a breakdown of recent happenings such as trades and injuries, simple explanations of the various rules, and an overview of important players on important teams. I hope to provide, as my lovely roommate requested, enough fodder for people who don`t watch hockey to avoid looking like a complete tool when everyone else around them is analyzing the latest trade or commiserating (what is this “celebrating”?) over the latest game.

Let`s start off this feature with a Cast of Characters – i.e. the names that are most likely to be dropped in the coming 2010-2011 season (and in this blog). [note: as I started writing this, I realized that there are WAY too many people that I will be railing on in this upcoming season, so let’s consider this Part I. I will call it - The Who’s Who of the NHL: The Big Wig Edition]

Gary Bettman – Commissioner of the NHL. He looks like this. Widely considered to the root of all evil, conspiracy theorists everywhere believe that he got the job as Commissioner on the recommendation of David Stern (Commissioner of the NBA). Bettman used to work under Stern in the NBA, and when basketball fell behind hockey in ratings in the US, the theory is that Stern convinced the NHL to hire Bettman as its new face and leader, knowing full well that his ineptitude would torpedo the NHL and that the NBA would retain their rightful spot in American ratings (third, after football and baseball). `

He is best known for the following:

Looking like a hobbit.

His desire to do anything and everything to make hockey popular in the United States. This desire resulted in the infamous expansion of the NHL into the “Sunshine Belt". How did this expansion work out, you ask: the Phoenix Coyotes declared bankruptcy last year, and you can get 4 tickets to see the Nashville Predators (along with 4 hotdogs and 4 Pepsis) for $44.00. In case you haven’t been to the Air Canada Centre lately, you can actually get the same deal there too – only without the tickets and the hotdogs.

Brian Burke – General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Won the Stanley Cup as GM for the Anaheim Ducks, and is considered largely responsible for the Cup-ready team that is currently the Vancouver Canucks. Best known for the following:

His mouth. The man has plenty of opinions and isn’t afraid to share them.

His propensity for building teams from the net out with penalty box-loving brutes. As evidenced by the fact that the Toronto Maple Leafs are currently almost entirely comprised of defencemen, Burke believes that you’ve got to shore up the defence before you can work on your offence. He particularly looks to acquire players with, and I quote, “pugnacity, testosterone, truculence, and belligerence.” He is a man’s man, and appreciates players who aren’t afraid to throw their weight around.

Steve Yzerman – General Manager of the Tampa Bay Lightning. All eyes will be on Yzerman this year as he takes on the position of GM of an NHL team for the first time, and attempts to restore the Lightning to their 2003 Cup-winning form. Players that he will be building around?: Vincent Lecavalier, Martin St. Louis, Steven Stamkos (all of the above are solid Canadian boys), and the goaltending tandem (when people use this phrase, it is in reference to the starter and backup goaltenders) of Mike Smith and new arrival Dan Ellis.

Best known for:

Being a total DILF.

Taking the helm on the 2010 Canadian men’s GOLD MEDAL WINNING hockey team.

His crazy-long stint as captain of the Detroit Red Wings.

Ron Wilson – coach of the Leafs. Best known for:

Following Brian Burke everywhere he goes.

Being absolutely ruthless when it comes to healthy scratches (aka players who are perfectly healthy, but have been sucking so hard lately that they are put on the injured list), and not being afraid to play around with lines.

Alain Vigneault – coach of the Canucks. Best known for:

Having a name that can only be properly pronounced by the Quebecois.

Holding the franchise record for wins in a season (49 in 2006-2007).

Being zen. While he can certainly lay the smack down when needs be, he is as cool as a cuke when it comes to playoff pressure, bad refs, and player melodrama.



Next up - The Who’s Who of the NHL: The Rookie and Hottie Edition

6 comments:

  1. It is extremely important to note that Brian Burke is not responsible for the current Canuck team. He did draft the Sedins and Kesler, who are obviously important pieces, but really it's more of a Nonis/Gillis team.

    Also, nice work on the blog.

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  2. As I was reading and got to the Burke section, I immediately scrolled down to say exactly what David said. The core of the Burke team was Morrison, Bertuzzi and Naslund, Cloutier, Ohlund, etc. There are still Burkie stamps on the team (Bieksa, Salo, Burrows), but to say he is largely responsible for the current team is a bit absurd (but a good demonstration of how a Leafs fan tends to overblow importance of a current Maple Leaf player/executive/mascot/moment).

    Said with love and respect,
    p

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  3. Points well taken boys - and I agree that "largely responsible for" may be a bit of an overstatement. However, you can't measure the impact of a GM simply by looking at the percentage of players that that GM acquired that are still on the team. You have to look at the impact of the players acquired. And look at who you're talking about: the Sedins, Burrows and Kesler. With the exception of Luongo, that is the core of the team. Those four make up the engine of the Canucks' offence.

    Not to mention the change in attitude that went down after Burke took the helm in the late nineties. The Canucks started making the playoffs and they became winners - the ball started rolling to where they are today. ALSO, Burke got rid of McCabe. 'Nuff said.

    I will always defer to greater and longer Canucks fans than I, and I do recognize my tendency to be self-aggrandizing, but I just thought I would share the basis for my statement.

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  4. I predict that these will be my favourite blog installments. Mostly because I don't know jack ... although I did get to talk to Brian Burke in a one on one private conversation* so we're basically besties.

    *recollection of said event may be a total exaggeration

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  5. Excellent post. I'll recommend it to every single person I know, soley for the picture of Gary Bettman. Besides allowing me to laugh at someones aesthetic shortcomings, the post gave some excellent and concise insights into the major players in the Canadian hockey industry.

    I'd love to see future posts regarding both major players in the league and major team rivalries. There are a great deal of compelling story lines there that would interest even the most casual fan.

    I'd also agree with Lia on the point of Burke's contribution to the current Canucks squad. The Sedins, Burrows and Kesler are undoubtedly the team's core. The task of adding complimentary / role players can be achieved by even the most inept of GM's. Drafting and developing future leaders who can guide your role players , requires shrewd manegerial skills.

    Today, the fact that the Sedin twins are largely inseperable and considered a "package deal", is accepted as common knowledge. However, that was not the case on draft day. Burke orchestrated a full fledged draft day coup by picking up the two of them at 2 and 3. For that fact alone, I'd consider him a GM worthy of the "architect" title.

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  6. Well, following your logic, Burkie is EITHER the architect of the Canucks OR the architect of the Ducks. But definitely not both. Take your pick.

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