Hockey for Bernies (Major Players edition)

I was in the elevator the other day, awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with the person two inches away from me by keeping my eyes glued to the television screen, when a sports update came on. It was about Alex Ovechkin, and his new stance on Sochi (basically, his "ra ra Russia" stance of playing for his country in the Olympics no matter what the NHL decides or does to him is more bark than bite). My under-the-breath comment about flaky Russians caught the attention of one of my colleagues, who looked up at the screen, turned to me, and asked "Who's Ovechkin?".

Le sigh.

So this week's Hockey for Bernies is going to be a brief rundown of the major players in the NHL - i.e. the players who, if you ever ask out loud in public about their identities, will illicit strange looks and cause an instant diminishment of your street cred.

Alexander Ovechkin: Hilariously Russian, Ovechkin is the captain of the Washington Capitals. He is also one of the most polarizing players in the game. You either love the man or you hate him (spoiler alert: I LOVE him, am gloriously entertained by his accent, and think that although he is getting a bit predictable, has the best hands in the league). He's a pest, but is also so unbelievably good at what he does, that no one really seems to care. He's received slaps on the wrists for egregeious (and numerous) elbowing incidents, has outrageous goal celebrations (as seen here), and scores seemingly impossible goals (like this one, and this one). Things people will be talking about this year: Whether or not he will once again win the Art Ross Trophy (given to the player who scores the most points in the regular season), his seeming inability to rally the Caps behind him in the playoffs (likely a consequence of selfish play on his part), and his magnetic pairing with Nicklas Backstrom.

Sidney Crosby: An angel sent from God to win me a gold medal in the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, Crosby is Mario Lemieux's mini-me, and has been touted as "The Next One" (if you don't know what that is in reference to, please direct your mouse to the small red 'x' at the top right corner of your screen) since he was playing in the AHL. He is the youngest captain in the history of the NHL to win the Stanley Cup (for the Pittsburgh Penguins), and is deemed by some (but not myself) to be the sexiest player in the league (really?). Things people will be talking about this year: his ongoing rivalry with Ovechkin (they were both rookies at the same time, and are always directly compared in every single way that they can be), the need for him to be tougher on ice (hey! He's Canadian!! We're polite!), and what the hell else the man possibly has left to accomplish.

Ilya Kovalchuk: Normally wouldn't make this list, but his super public contract dispute put him directly in the eye of the media storm this past summer. Nutshell?: The New Jersey Devils initially contracted with Kovalchuk for 102 million dollars over 17 years. Because the Devils could structure the payment schedule any way they wanted, the contract was objected to by the NHL (and eventually thrown out by an arbitrator) because it was thought that the Devils would make the last couple of the 17 years low-paying "dummy" years in order to circumvent the Collective Bargaining Agreement and the cap restrictions. The Devils have since come back and signed him to a 100 million dollar contract at 15 years, but have been slapped with a  3 million dollar fine, and are being forced by the NHL to surrender some draft picks, as well as Johnny Oduya and prospect Patrice Cormier. This whole debacle has caused the NHL to seriously revise contract rules, which I will soon blog about once I wrap my head around them.

Dion Phaneuf: Newest captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and therefore, either a God among men or Public Enemy #1. Sadly, Phaneuf is probably best known for dating Elisha Cuthbert, but I swear to you, he once was really good. He can be a defensive powerhouse (he once was even a finalist for the Norris Trophy (given to the best defenseman in the league)), and was amazing in his rookie year (finalist for the Calder, and set a Flames record for most goals scored by a defenseman in his rookie year). He did pretty much nothing in his first half-season as a Leaf, but I have faith. Silly, baseless, get-me-nowhere-but-rage-blackouts, faith.

Sean Avery: I hate giving this man any more attention than he already gets, but even my friend who didn't know who Ovechkin was had heard about Avery's comments about Elisha Cuthbert (they once dated, so when she started dating Phaneuf, he made some asinine comment about Phaneuf picking up his sloppy seconds - The man is all class). Sean Avery is on my poop list, along with Daniel Alfredsson (who I actually won't mention in this blog because he REALLY doesn't deserve it - but just for reference, he is the carrot-top captain of the Dreaded X Ottawa Senators), animal abusers, and Jerry Seinfeld. Think of what would annoy you most, and then multiply it by a hundred - That's what Sean Avery does every time he is on the ice. Martin Brodeur (goalie for the Devils) didn't even shake his hand post-game, that's how bad he is. He also made fun of Jason Blake for having cancer. Stand up guy, really.

[I'm aware that I'm leaving out quite a few players that would be considered to be in the NHL spotlight, but those are the five, in my humble but completely correct opinion, who have attracted (and will continue to attract) the most media attention.]