There's something in the water ... and it's probably testosterone

At the risk of sounding like an egocentric Torontian, Rick Rypien pulled a Domi in Tuesday night's game against the Minnesota Wild:



As a result of the above incident, Rypien has been suspended indefinitely pending a hearing at NHL HQ this Friday. How serious his punishment will and should be remains to be seen, and as always, hockey commentators/analysts/enthusiasts are coming down hard on both sides of the fence.

One camp maintains that any fan who goads a player right after doing battle (and can I just briefly, and tangentially, say that I will always support a player who fights someone on the Wild? Their hockey sweaters make them look like Christmas ornaments.) is getting what's coming to him, and that if you insist on poking a bear in his cage, you shouldn't be surprised when you get the paw. The other camp argues that it is never ok to engage a fan in any sort of altercation, and that Rypien should be out for the year. Word on the street is that the Minnesota fan also plans on commencing a legal action against at least Rypien, possibly the Canucks, and maybe even the Xcel Energy Center for failing to erect a tent over the tunnel to the visiting team locker's room. All this, and Domi didn't even miss the third period.

My first reaction to all of this was ... boredom. My second reaction was confusion - Why would I find this boring? I have an insatiable blood lust when it comes to hockey, as witnessed by all of those in a 100 meter radius of me at the Leafs Sabres preseason game when Colton Orr started looking a little edgy, and I jumped to my feet and repeatedly screamed "DO IT!" and "GET HIM!". I then realized that the reason why this has not been as titillating (love that word) to me as it normally would be is because since the season started, the NHL hasn't gone more than 2 games without issuing some sort of fine or suspension.

Shane Doan was just suspended 3 games for a blindside hit on Wings' forward Dan Sexton. Patrick Kaleta was levied with a hefty fine after an attempted headbutt on Zajac. Senators' forward Nick Foligno was fined $2500 for a hit to the head of Patrick Dwyer (and the same was fined to Edmonton's Gilbert for a similar headshot on Matty Stajan). Hjalmarsson and Wisniewski were both suspended 2 games for a blindside hit on Pominville, and an obscene (read: hilarious) gesture, respectively (both of which were discussed here). Mike Riberio was arrested for being drunk in public and Letourneau was suspended one game for instigating a fight late in the game against Johansson.

Hockey season started TWO weeks ago. Colour me excited.

Hockey for Bernies: Battle of Ontario

My lovely roomate and I had a small get together at our house this past weekend. She invited some of her work colleagues, all of whom I had never met before. I was getting along with one of them fabulously, and we were covering all of my favourite topics (in no particular order: dogs, music, cooking, barbecue sauce and hockey). And then he mentioned his love for Daniel Alfredsson. I responded by staring at him agape for 6-9 seconds before not so kindly asking him to leave.

One of my bestfriends is a Sens fan. He's one of my favourite people on the planet, but when it comes to our respective hockey clubs, we are mortal enemies. Last Friday, I took it upon myself to forward him a link to the Eastern Conference standings (at the time, the Leafs were #1 and the Sens were 14th). What ensued was an epic, heated and unnecessarily lengthy battle over email, where I called him a bad friend and an unimaginable drama queen, and he called me incredibly obnoxious and asinine.

I feel like I should explain myself before I am alone forever.

The Battle of Ontario. Despite it's relatively recent inception, it's one of the more heated rivalries in the NHL, and in it's day, it was intense. Like, if someone told me that their marriage ended over Game 5 in 2002, or the sweep in 2001, I wouldn't even feign surprise. In the undergraduate days of using salad dressing as pasta sauce and choking down cans of Old Milwaukee Ice, two friends of mine bought playoff tickets for $400 a pop to see Game 7 in 2004. In a game of "fuck kill marry", I was given the trifecta of Pol Pot, Daniel Alfredsson, and a pile of shit to choose from, and I still killed Alfredsson. It is serious, serious business.

And with that, I give you the Top Ten moments behind the infamous, relationship- ruining, Leafs/Senators rivalry:

#10: McCabe = Ragdoll

While I can now safely disavow myself of the lecherous embarrassment that was Brian McCabe, Zdeno Chara has made it impossible for me to ever completely forget him. I don't want to talk about it, but if you want see the saddest fight in the history of the NHL, please direct your attention below and then never speak of it again.



#9: Bench Brawls

If a Sens fan saw Darcy Tucker on the street, she would probably spit on him. Personally, I LOVE the man, but if he wasn't on my team, I would have hated him too. He was a consummate pest, a bit of a whiner, and a chronic glove dropper. In 2003, in a regular season game, Tucker let three years of consecutive playoff series get the better of him when he literally attacked Chris Neil, who at the time, was sitting on the Senator's bench. Tucker claimed that Neil spit on him, but this was never proven, and I'm fairly certain that it isn't true. Either way, it turned into an epic bench brawl that even saw Leafs' coach Pat Quinn spit his gum out and join the fray.

#8: Playing the Senators - Possible side effects may include blindness

Remember when visors were all of a sudden de rigueur? Thank (blame?) Marian Hossa and his almost career-ending eye gouge of Bryan Berard, causing mothers to pull their children out of little leagues everywhere. (My apologies for the video - To see the actual incident, fast forward to 1:50).

#7: The Leafs in OT


2000 - Game 5 - Overtime - After scoring in the third to send the game into overtime, Stumpy aka Steve Thomas, pots the winner with this beauty.

2001 - Game 1 - Overtime - Mats Sundin, from the point, making no mistake . My favourite part of the video is the ping sound that defeat makes.

2001 - Game 3 - Overtime - CORY CROSS can play hockey when it matters. Once.

2002 - Game 3 - Triple Overtime - Gary Roberts. I miss him every day.

#6: The Title Fights


Tie Domi and Chris Neil (see here), Wade Belak and Chris Neil, Colton Orr and Matt Carkner (as seen here), and while neither of these boys are heavy weights, and this fight was pre-season, it's one of my favourites of the year so far simply because of the way Kovalev turtles and Beauchemin keeps attempting these really awkward undercuts:




#5: The Curse


From 1992-1998, the Leafers were in the Clarence Campbell/Western Conference, and the Senators were in the Prince of Wales/Eastern Conference. During this time, the Sens were never able to beat the Sabres in a playoff series, leading some to declare a Bo-sox esque curse on the Corel Centre. When Toronto joined the East before the 98-99 season, hope sprung eternal for Sens fan everywhere who thought that the change of dynamic would manifest itself in playoff victories. Not so. The Sens and Leafs met in the playoffs for the first time in 2000, and met again every year (save 2003) after that until the lockout. Not once have the Senators beaten the Leafs, despite annihilating them during most of the regular season match-ups. Not even in 2001, when the Senators finished 2nd in the Conference and the Leafs finished 7th (which now, might I add, seems like a total coup). Despite being the considerable underdogs, the Leafs swept the Sens in 4 games.

#4: The Infamous Stick-Throwing Incident

In a 2004 regular season game against the Nashville Predators, Sundin broke his stick on an attempted shot from the point. In thoughtless frustration, Sundin threw the remains of his stick into the crowd, earning him a 1 game suspension. The game that he ended up missing was against the Senators, where, in yet another display of freakish Swedish synchronicity, Alfredsson broke HIS stick on an attempted shot from the point, and mocked throwing it into the stands. Since that time, Alfredsson is booed every single time he touches the puck in the ACC.

Look, even I can admit that this is the stupidest reason ever to so vehemently despise a man, but d'ems da breaks when you're playing a team backed by a fanbase of consummate grudge-holders. I have to admit though, what offended me more than the taunting of one of my favourite captains was the dirty dangles hanging out of Alfie's helmet as he did so.

   #3: The Hit from Behind

2002, second round - Late in Game 5, tied game, Alfredsson hits Darcy Tucker from behind, sending him flying into the boards. Tucker is injured, Alfredsson receives no penalty, and seconds later, Alfie goes on to score the game winner. Adding insult to injury was the fact that while Tucker's hit on Islanders' forward Mike Peca went similarly unpenalized in the first round, he ended up receiving much more condemnation from the NHL, media, and public. All Alfredsson has to deal with is a lifetime of the boo birds. And his hair.

#2: Game 6, 2005

After losing to the Leafs in Game 5 (and putting the Leafs up 3-2 in the series), Alfredsson very publicly (and very infamously) guaranteed that the Senators would go on to win the series. Mike Fisher scored the winner, and Daniel Alfredsson looked not only like an inspiring Captain, but he also looked like he might be right. It was a dark day.

#1: Game 7, 2005

Lalime crumbled. Gary Roberts was a beast. Tie Domi had an assist!

The Leafs ended up beating the Senators 4-1, taking the series, and setting me up for at least a decade of Alfredsson jokes. Which are definitely still funny, Steve.

Hockey for Bernies: Cheat Sheet

At the request of my lovely roomate, who advised me that she was already well versed on the nuances of the icing rule and therefore had no use for my beautiful stickfigure drawings,  I have decided to make this week's Hockey for Bernies into an NHL Cheat Sheet. What I am endeavouring to provide here is a glorified list of talking points so that when people start babbling about hockey around the water cooler, you can at least smile and nod because you recognize the words coming out of their mouths - or maybe even join in!

1. Jordan Eberle's RIDICULOUS goal.

This is definitely talking point #1, as I myself have already discussed this goal with 4 different people. Jordan Eberle is a rookie forward on the Edmonton Oilers, aka, the only team that finished worse than the Leafs last year. Last Thursday night, on the holiest of all days (start of the NHL season), Edmonton played the Calgary Flames, their provincial rivals. The start of the third period saw the Oilers killing a penalty, and the Flames gaining some momentum, when this happened:

The heads-up pass off the boards. The fake-out. The toe-drag. The fact that this was Eberle's first career goal. This highlight reel is like porn for hockey lovers.

It was also followed by this hilarious bit on TSN (courtesy of Mr. JKru), that made me think that in lieu of actually learning how to play hockey, the Oilers have been honing their comedic acting skills.

2. The Maple Leafs are undefeated, and the Senators are still so awful and hideous looking.

After taking NINE painful, dark, depressing games to finally tally one in the W column last season (and then waiting another five games to tally a second), the Leafs have opened the season with back-to-back victories for the first time since 1999 (which, just to give you some cultural context, was the same year that 10 Things I Hate About You came out. That's right, the last time the Leafs started the season 2-0-0 was when Julia Stiles still had relevance).

The Leafs look good. Not Cup-winning good, but at least better than the Senators (although, that's really not saying much). The first line (Versteeg, Kessel, and Bozak) is firing on all cylinders, our fourth line (Orr, Zigomanis, and Moustache Mike) is tough as nails, passes are crisp, Jiggy is solid in net, and our youth is shining through in our constant and sustained speed of play. Leafs Nation is a happy place right now.

The Senators, however, are struggling big time. After an impressive performance at the end of last season, a lot was expected from defenseman Erik Karlsson, who so far has done nothing but make horrendous on-ice decisions that have made him nothing but a defensive liability. Oh and this just in: Spezza is still way over-paid, and Alfredsson is still hideous.

3. Henrik Sedin is the new captain of the Vancouver Canucks

And he is SO Swedish.

4. Jason Pominville and Niklas Hjalmarsson (Say that three times fast. Ok, say it even once).

In last night's game against the Blackhawks, Sabres forward Jason Pominville was skating towards the puck near the right boards in Buffalo's zone when Hjalmarsson checked him from behind, sending Pominville's head flying into the glass. Pominville laid out on the ice for approximately 15 minutes while medical staff stabilized his head and neck, and was eventually carried off by stretcher. It isn't clear how serious the injuries are as of yet, or even if Hjalmarsson's hit was suspension-worthy. However, you can bet that this incident will be a part of Don Cherry's senile rant on next weekend's Coach's Corner, and once again generate extensive discussion on hits from behind, head-hunting, and the general danger inherent in playing hockey.

5. Wisniewski gave Sean Avery the finger

The only person who will talk about this is Sean Avery, because Sean Avery loves talking about Sean Avery. He has, in fact, already approached the media to whine like a bitch about the lack of media attention and/or public condemnation that Wisniewski's allegedly egregious (my word - CERTAINLY not Sean Avery's) misconduct is receiving. Avery said that if he had been the one to give the finger to another player, Gary Bettman would have shipped him off to rehab. Ah yes, the Betty Ford Clinic for chronic bird flippers. Thank you Sean Avery.

Editors Note: it has been brought to my attention that a certain sports news site incorrectly identified Wisniewski's offensive gesture. For those who would like to be edified, please direct your attention here (mom, this does NOT mean you). Also, please note that I will be purchasing a James Wisniewski jersey tomorrow.

Weekend Update

Things that made me happy:

The word “consecutive”. As in, the Leafs have beat the Senators 6 consecutive times. Also as in, the Leafs have won consecutive games to start the season for the first time in 11 years.

If this had been last year, Toskala’s gaping five-hole would have sent us into overtime against the Habs.

#37, Tim Brent. Some people would say that it is ridiculous that a third-line plug could make this list, and that I’m just painfully searching for anything to make me happy – and, well, it is and I am, but I don’t care. I like this Canadian-born journeyman, I love that he scored the first regular season goal for the Leafs and worked hard for a goal against the Sens, I see a lot of promise in his simple, but tough game, and he’s better than Kadri. Sold.

Celebrating Movember early

Mike Brown’s moustache. -->

Kessel and “Bozie”. Don’t hate me, I’m just going to say it: ADORABLE. And yes, also worthy of being a legitimate first line along with Kris Versteeg. 

2-0-0. Infinitely better than 0-7-1.

.           Despite being up 5-1 against the Sens in the 3^rd, Colton Orr still fought Matt Carkner for no apparent reason other than Carkner being right in front of him. Orr also got the second loudest cheer from the crowd at the ACC when the players were being introduced. Could this BE?! Could we have ourselves a new Wade Belak?! Because I would LOVE that.

Being able to say that the Leafs had a hand in Carey Price’s inevitable nervous breakdown.

This video.

Hearing sentences such as: “The Leafs’ consistent speed has forced a number of Senator turnovers”, and “Eric Karlsson just got absolutely run over by Grabovski.”

And, I must admit, hearing the opening licks to “where the streets have no name”, as the GM Place celebrated 40 years, backed by a crowd of fans who actually know how to cheer for their team. Also the adorably humble look on Hank’s face as he switched to a sweater bearing the ‘C’ (although this whole captaincy business is sure to make for an uncomfortable thanksgiving dinner at the Sedin house).

Things that made me not so happy:

The font the Sens use for the numbers on the back of their jerseys.

The fact that the Toronto Sun was lambasting the Leafs during the pre-season as the worst hockey club on the face of the planet, but after the game against the Habs, had “PERFECT!” emblazoned across their cover. All of the other things that I want to say on this point will cause me to be on the receiving end of a defamation law suit.

The overblown commentary (in Toronto?! Never!) regarding Kaberle’s ‘A’-less sweater.  Speculation has run rampant, particularly in light of the comments made by Kaberle’s father regarding the allegedly sour relationship between his son and head coach Ron Wilson. The two dominant theories behind Kaberle’s demotion are (1) that Ron Wilson took away the ‘A’ out of spite, and (2) that Kaberle will definitely be traded before January is out, and that it was therefore pointless to make him an alternate. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve never heard of someone being stripped of their status in anticipation of a trade. And while I’ve heard that Ron Wilson isn’t necessarily the most beloved coach in the world, I feel fairly confident that he’s not this vindictive drama queen who has turned to using his already beleaguered hockey club as a venue for his personal vendettas.  Could it not just be possible that our beloved, fresh-in-from-a-toboggan-run defenseman is simply not of leadership caliber? As much as I love the man (and I do), the Leafs need to be handing those letters to the men who can inspire the dressing room in the middle of a January slump, and not to those who have simply put in their time with the team. Given that I’ve never been in the Leafs’ locker room (TRY AS I MIGHT), and given that I have unyielding, foolish faith in the Leafs administration, I’m just going to have to trust that Phanuef, Komisarek, and Beauchemin deserve the extra adornment on their sweaters.

Alfredsson’s moustache.

Alfredsson.

   

Picking a Bone

Hockey for Bernies was pre-empted this week in favour of the following diatribe:

The MLSE. Let’s discuss.

For those who don’t know, Maple Leafs Sport and Entertainment is the behemoth entity behind the Toronto Maple Leafs (as well as the Toronto Raptors and Toronto FC). The CEO of MLSE is Richard Peddie, and he is considered by many to be the root of all evil, and the main reason why the Leafs (and the Raps and TFC) are so spectacularly awful.

Lucifer Peddie

The gist of the argument is that Peddie is focused solely on lining his own pockets, and that this impedes him from putting together a team of players that would, oh I don't know, do something with their lives. Essentially, the Leafs/Raps/TFC are awful because the MLSE refuses to spend the money to turn them into legitimate contenders.

Those drinking Costco-sized bottles of Haterade go one step further and blame the FANS for the Leafs' abysmal existence. The idea there is that because the fans keep paying the exorbitant ticket prices to pack their bums into the seats of a consistently sold out arena, the MLSE has no impetus whatsoever to create a better product. Apparently, the maxim "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" applies only to the corporate structure and fiscal health of the MLSE, and not to the team itself.

These arguments, to me, are outdated and archaically based on a revenue structure that simply does not exist in today's sporting world. I think it's indisputable that the MLSE is completely profit focused - and really, who can blame them? They ARE a business after all. But ticket sales is no longer the only form of revenue for the hockey business, and is actually becoming an increasingly marginalized revenue stream in the face of money makers such as merchandise sales, game-day advertising, and independent ventures like LeafsTV - all of which would bring in even more money if the Leafs made the playoffs, never mind won a Cup. The suggestion that Peddie isn’t interested in the success of the Leafs because his pockets are already lined is not only an insult to his business acumen, but it is also based on a misunderstanding of the present day economics of the NHL, and an overzealous eagerness to blame a loyal fanbase.

I of course don't mean to suggest that no blame can be placed on the MLSE or the fans at all. A recent Globe and Mail article (and actually the driving force behind this post) very rightly pointed out the MLSE's reticence to spend money in the name of (theoretically) improving the Leafs. The MLSE did indeed fail to flex their muscles pre-lockout (and pre-salary cap system). And while no one can definitively prove that throwing money at the problem would have made a lick of difference, you cannot deny the success of the Detroit Red Wings.

And fans, particularly in Cup-starved masses, can be stupid blind. The Leafs have to get bad in order to get good (please see this past year's Stanley Cup winners, the Chicago Blackhawks)  - but the fan pressure on the MLSE and Leafs management to make a run at eighth every single season no matter how slim our chances are forces March signings of Yanic Perreault, and ill-advised trades for loaner players at the expense of legitimate prospects. In this, the fans can certainly be blamed.

But to say that the continuous attendance of Leafs' fans at games is the reason why the Leafs suck is just stupid. And not just because of the argument made above, but also because this argument seems to be rooted in an idea of fan-dom that I do not support and should not be condoned in any shape or form. Anyone who truly supports a team understands that to turn your back on a team simply because they aren’t winning is to be the most vilified entity in the sports world – a bandwagon jumper.

And bandwagon jumpers suck.